Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school.  But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle 🙂

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before ❤

Advertisements

Choices!

So I have been missing in action again! I just don’t grasp time these days! Its flyyyyyying! The weeks are disappearing so fast, I’m literally looking over my Christmas stuff these days lol

Image result for choices memeThen we have all these choices.

How do we even know how to make the right choices?

Some weeks ago I was ready to embark into the jungle of online dating again! Like I didn’t learn my lesson already! But how do you meet anyone when you are alone with young kids? Well online is the answer I keep hearing from “everyone”.

But then I decided to delete the idea and just find peace in being alone. For now at least.

Was it the right choice, or was it fear that took control?

I have no clue, and this is how I resonate with everything these days.

Making choices and then second guessing them. Helping myself to get more confused, that’s all I do.

Image result for second guessing ecardsSo now I am second guessing my education path.

Again!

Not that I don’t want to be a teacher, but am I taking the right subjects? Should I delay what I am doing and choose differently?

OMG!

And then you have the weight loss situation! And the therapy situation! And the kids! And money! And! And! And!

Life is actually just a path of choices. And all we do is accepting choices. We either hit a wall and learn a lesson, or we choose right and experience happiness. So why is it so hard to just accept these parts of life?

Why do I wish over and over that I had no choice? Don’t you think I would have complained if the choices was gone too?

Image result for live in the momentI sure do.
SO! Enough about the whining, time to just enjoy the moment, challenge myself and keep accepting life as it is. NO more second guessing! So I might hit a dump in the road, but that is how I will grow! And that is how I will be a great role model for my kids too ❤

 

 

 

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

So getting back to writing feels perfect in my head, but it is way harder to actually get it done! And I feel deeply that I need it, so why is it so hard to just do it?

I guess it is like my studies too, I avoid it as long as I can even though I know I need it. And just like last fall and the fall before that I question my studies. Did I make the right choice? Should I stop this subject and instead take another one?

I am so afraid of failing and not being good enough that I put myself in this corner of fear. I tell myself everyday that I have made the wrong choices all along. And in the end I finally believe my evil voice..

So how can I be trapping out of therapy when I know I still are hurting myself in my head? Well I hope I now have the tools to take care of the healing and to clear my mind when it happens instead of falling into the well known dark hole.

The hole I seem to crawl at every fall.

Why is it like that? Why does the fall that I love so deeply also bring the darkest times in my life?

Well I guess it must have something to do with the heat and light that slowly disappear.  Maybe I’m not a fall person after all? Maybe I’m really a summer girl? Maybe seeing myself as a fall girl has made it okay for me to nurture my need of hiding and being alone?

What if I am a summer girl that loves people and loves the heat?

Well I do love the light and I do love the sun, the beaches and the sand. But I know in my core that I am an introvert. SO the people is okay, but I will never love the public. But having more people in my life is a goal, so maybe I can see myself as a summer girl that loves some attention and some happiness and joy 😉

Life is funny, and when I take my time to sit down like this to reflect I see that I am okay. That I am where I am supposed to be ❤

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

Life as it is today is pretty good! 

I had my second therapy session this fall,  today and it went better than last time. We managed to keep on track with the subject, and even though I wanted to do ask 20,000 questions I managed to hold back and focus on the subject. 

One of the things  I really understood today is that I need to surround myself with people that are more alike myself. People that don’t trigger my emotions to highs and lows, people that understand me and where I’m coming from and people that I also can relate to and that I also understand from their point of view. 

And being an introvert does not make it easy to find these kind of people! Or any people at all!

BUT i’m not giving up!

 I also realized today that if I was happy about being alone I would not go through therapy. I would have lived my life like this avoiding people and felt good about it. 

But I don’t feel good about it. So it’s time to dig in and get my personality disorder under control! 

Today I also really understood the technique my therapist are using, and for the first time I feel comfortable with the program I’m in. So hopefully with time I will be surrounded by like minded people and feel more connected in the world 😉

Life-as-it is-Wednesday!

Today I had my first time back at therapy since mid-May. It was good to be back but it was also stressful to be back. I realized that what I’m expecting from my therapy is not the same as my therapist is expecting from me. It might sound complicated but sometimes I just need to go there and talk. I just need to get the thoughts and feelings out of my system, and by talking aloud in a safe environment the feelings and thoughts lose the power they sometimes have over me.

But my therapist is not really on that page. And I know that she wants to have me in group therapy were they work with mentalizing techniques.

You are mentalizing when you’re aware of what’s going on in your mind or someone else’s. You’re mentalizing when you puzzle, “Why did I do that?” or wonder, “Did I hurt her feelings when I said that?” Your ability to mentalize enables you to make sense of behavior. Mentalizing, you automatically interpret behavior as based on mental states, such as desires, beliefs, and feelings.

Mentalizing requires attention and takes mental effort; it’s a form of mindfulness, that is, being mindful of what others are thinking and feeling as well as being mindful of your own thoughts and feelings. Thus mentalizing is similar to empathy. But mentalizing goes beyond empathizing, because it also includes awareness of your own state of mind—empathizing with yourself.

source:Jon G. Allen, PhD

So right now since I’m not doing group therapy until next year we are trying to do the same work one on one. And it did not work today! I think I’m talking too much about my own feelings on the subject because I try to put my thoughts, feelings and situations into the theory too fast. So today we ended up on being on different planets and agreed that we had to make a plan and start over next time where I take a more quiet listener and student approach. 

In addition I think a good approach is to study and read about mentalizing. I remember I read a bit about it last year and it’s a really great tool. And it can give a lot of help when you are dealing with personality disorder. And hopefully I will grasp it and make use of it as time goes by.

I will share my journey as it proceed and hopefully someone out there also will learn something as I fail and conquer a long the way 🙂

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday

The other day I was reading this blog post written by agonisingsoul over at her page and it struck me how much my depression is connected with my fear.

Over the last week I have really been scared of getting back into a depression. I have felt like laying under my covers just waiting for the pain,  stress and tears to come. There has been dark thoughts, and some tears. But I feel like I have managed to work through it without reaching the full darkness.

So when I read her post I realized that I was more scared than actually in a depression. And it’s probably connected to all the changes going on with my studies, with the kids going back to school and daycare, with my arm not healing as fast as I wish etc. I also felt very deeply over the weekend that I had made the wrong choice by choosing arts and craft over English. And it was really dragging me down and making me more confused than usual.

Fear. I find the word very powerful. In my spiritual practice I have learnt to seey fear as false evidence appearing real.

Somehow when the fear grabs me I forget this. It’s only in retrospect I remember these words.

And is it really possible to feel this way about fear? Is it possible to not let fear be in control?

I know from my own experience that the more I acknowledge my fear the faster the grip disappear.

Just like when I read the blog post I realized I did not have a depression coming again, I was just scared that it would. And in the long run that fear could have brought me really down into the darkness.

I guess my fear of my depression also is connected to change. I usually enjoy change, but the times when the change is beyond my control I hate it. So when I took back my control and did the change I truly wanted in my heart, the fear disappeared.

Seeing these patterns in my life is very healing. And seeing that other people are thinking or feeling similar to me is also very healing. Because sometimes I feel I’m the oddball out and there’s no one out there who really understand where I’m coming from.

Even though I don’t enjoy belonging in a community or in a “box”. It is nice to know that I’m not alone in my feelings and struggles. I learn a lot from my own experience, but I do believe I learn a lot from others experience too.

There’s an expression that says sharing is caring 🙂 and when it comes to my experience with depression and darkness I hope that by sharing my thoughts and feelings others can connect with them and find understanding and healing through them.

So life right now is going through some waves of emotions, but I’m not going under the water, I am handling it. I’m swimming with my head barely over the surface 😉

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

It has been a really busy week! And it kind of surprised me since I was looking for a quiet week of rest when the kids were back to school. But I guess that’s just how life is 😉

  

Lily had a great first day at school. She is so secure and ready so there’s nothing to worry about, but I worry a bit anyway! I guess it’s never easy to let your little girl go into the world.

Lara also had a great first day. For the first time she didn’t want me to follow her on her first day so she bicycle with a friend all by herself. I was so proud of her!

As mentioned yesterday Leon is still having some issues. But after today’s meeting I’m a bit more calm, because I see small improvements and I believe everyone wants what’s best for him.

My week personally has been very busy mentally. I have had to make some choices about my therapy on Monday and today on Wednesday I am not sure I made the right choice. Because today I was in an interview to be a sub teacher! And it kind of interferes with my therapy. So I just have to wait and see if I get some teaching or not before I maybe change my mind about therapy. I got really excited yesterday because a friend had recommended me to her boss and I didn’t expect that at all since the friendship is fresh and not very deep yet… But I am happy for all the blessings I can get of course 🙂

My arm is filled with pain!!! But I’m dealing. I keep reassuring myself that pain is healing and no pain is a dead arm.

So that’s it for now, not much exciting news from my corner of the world! But I do love every day life again, I’m a sucker for our routines 👌🏻

Do or don’t.. so hard to choose!

Life as it is today.

image source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/127648970662026158/

I’m not really sure how I feel about life today to be honest. Hmmmm…. I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm. But that the storm is really not that big a dangerous or horrific. It’s just that I don’t know how to get out of it.

I am not sure if this is the beginning of a depressive period again or just a rough couple of days.

I had a long good conversation with my therapist on Monday we talked about the future, about my group therapy, about my school situation.

So I’ve had some bumps in the road with my arm lately and last week I discovered that my group therapy and English lectures fell on the same day.

First I thought I would get a video from the part that I missed out on every Tuesday but then my university told me I didn’t have a valid reason to get the video. So then I felt I needed to choose between therapy and lecture, and that felt horrible! Because I know I can’t skip out on therapy and I can’t skip out on school. They are a deeply connected for my recovery.

connect-20333_1280

So during the weekend I decided to try to change my subject this year from English to arts and crafts. Since they have lectures on Wednesday and I have nothing else to do on Wednesdays. So I told my therapist so and she then said she felt that I should delay group therapy until after Christmas because of my broken arm. Because I would have a hard time driving to the hospital every week.

I felt kind of relieved when she told me that was an option, because I didn’t think it was.
So yesterday I talked to my university counselor and we changed from English to arts and crafts!

I was really excited about the possibility to have everything organized and in order for the fall. But then I talked to my therapist again today and she said that group therapy after Christmas might be on another day than Tuesday and that she felt that I should take English now after all!!

But the choice is made, I will be doing arts and crafts now.

brushes-387545_1280
I also discovered that my university don’t have the third and fourth section of English that I want. I would have to take that at another university. And a classmate told me that there is another university that offers all four sections of the English I need online. No meetings everything is online. It cost a little bit more than my regular University, but I think it’s worth it. And I can do it in addition to my studies at the University I am at now!

That’s pretty much what my life is focusing on right now. There are lots of other things happening too, but I need to sort out my study plan and therapy plan first.

Kids are happy at home or at daycare, the girls are so ready for school on Monday. We are all looking forward to our daily routines, life just feels better when you have a schedule to follow right now.

boy-160168_1280
What do you enjoy the most? Vacation time or your every day life?

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday 👌🏻

Six weeks and three days of this vacation is now done, one week and four days until the girls are back at school.

It’s going to be so fun to follow Lily on her first day at school. Because she really needs some mental stimulation that it’s not my voice or thoughts or meanings soon.

It’s amazing how she can crawl under my skin and make me insane by just sitting beside me, because she is full of ants. She might sit still, but her whole energy is crawling! She is very ready for school and every day life again.

Lara on the other hand is not ready at all. She loves late nights in her room playing with Barbies, watching her iPad and listen to music and just being alone. And she sleeps until noon every day, and she is really enjoying her summer vacation. But I guess when you have finished four years of school you know what you’re going back to and you know how to appreciate your vacations.

Leon is back at daycare and he is loving it. He is so happy about his daily routine and so am I. And it is so great to see him being more mature and see how he reflects about his day at daycare differently than he did before the summer.

And what about me? I am doing rather fine. I feel a slight tension in my belly since I have some financial issues not solved yet. But I have faith that it will work out the way it should and that I will be happy about the solution.

My depression is not there, I feel very balanced right now. And yesterday I had a phone session with my therapist again after two weeks of vacation. And she asked a question that made me fall into stress, sadness and darkness FAST!

But she captured me

She helped me trace my thoughts back to where I spun off. It was not easy. Because she asked me a question that made me spin off. And to trace back I had to remember the question. But as usual when I spin off I forget the question I was supposed to answer or the topic we were talking about. And that usually makes me more stressed and usually takes me even more into a different direction.

No one has ever called me out on it before.

Usually I am just able to talk and talk and get out of it without the other part calling me out.

And since she’s my therapist she of course called me out on it. And it made me realize a pattern. But it also made me realize that I have a very fixed mindset. That’s not especially a positive thing. Because she asked me how I felt when I realized that I had spun off.

And my first feeling was sadness, but then I felt helpless. And helplessness is a very negative emotion to me. My associations with helplessness is very negative. So when I feel slightly helpless I panic and do everything in my power to get out of it.

I am good with words. She even told me that I have a very good language skill, and that she feels for me to get any help through therapy we need to stop like yesterday and go back. Or else I can just talk myself out of everything and we will loose the learning and understanding at the places where I feel lost and actually need help.

So with my approval she will now call me out every time she can hear me speeding off on another topic than the one we started with.

She also helped me see that I have a very fixed mindset by making me describe helplessness and why it was such a problem for me to feel helpless.

And during that conversation I realize that helplessness in the way I have seen it has been completely helplessness, like completely out of position to help yourself with anything mentally physically or even by will. And over the last 12 weeks since I broke my arm I have been helpless. But it hasn’t brought me down.

And I realize it’s because I have been physically helpless not by choice and that’s a completely different helplessness than the one I despise and can’t identify with. So it’s kind of opening my mind to understand my feelings and reactions in some situations.

And also that there are many shades to every feeling.

I KNOW there is, and I have always known it, but I have usually never let myself feel or “see” the shades.

This is something we are going to dive deeper into during therapy, but I can already feel a change in my mindset, it’s like small tiny wheels grinding in my head opening up to ideas and thoughts that my reaction sometimes not validate the feeling I have.

How do you think about feelings and shades?

Do you feel safest with black and white like me? And is black and white really safe?