Old patterns..

I have written about my worst fear before. The fear of my sons school start. The fear of him being the misunderstood. The bully. The punk-ass kid no one likes. The disliked child.

The first 6 weeks went like heaven! The school didn’t understand my worries, because it went so well.

Well, then things turned. In a heartbeat.

Now he is the bully. He needs to be watched to protect another child.

WHAT?

I just don’t understand this. But I am not shrugging it off as an innocent thing either. I don’t understand his actions, and he can not explain them either.

Well, he is six years old.

He is not a demon child out to hurt anyone. He is not being cruel because he likes it. He just don’t understand certain social codes.

So before the fall break I spoke to his school and I had faith in the teacher and student counselor. I still do.

But I don’t have faith in the other child’s parents.

I have not spoken about this case with anyone around me for one single reason.

I LIVE IN A TINY VILLAGE WHERE WORDS TRAVEL FASTER THAN A FART!

And I hold my son responsible for his part in this. And I want to give the school and him a chance to make the changes that is needed for. I give my son a chance to change. I don’t think this is his path to a life as a bully.

But today the other parents show me that they have no intention to see my son as a good child that can change.

They are talking about this case with other parents. So a parent I don’t know posted a message on Facebook in the class group that “someone” is being bullied and we need a meeting to solve this.

The parents need a meeting to solve this.

I just saw the gossip spread, the questions, and the feelings. The hate. The stress.

So in desperation I posted in the same group that I am aware of my sons actions, that we are being guided by the school and that they are doing their best to help both of these boys.

I don’t need a “town-meeting” where people meet up to figure out who this horrible bully of a kid is.

I need grown ups that understand that these kids are 6 years old and need guidance and help. But most of all more love and acceptance.

But my first thought when all this happened?

Well my son wasn’t the only one who went back to his old patterns. I was ready to pack my suitcase, throw the kids in the car and leave that place faster than ever!

But I stayed.

I want to fight for my son. He deserves someone who fights for him. He deserve to be given the chance to change. To understand his own lacks.

He is a good child. A caring and lovable child.

So I am rolling up my sleeves and I am getting ready for the biggest fight of my life!

Accepting his wrong doing, helping him to change and still never stop loving him!

 

 

 

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Frustration!

So I have this urge to write, but there is so little time! There have been many years since life was as busy as it is right now, and some days I wonder if I really like it like this… Some days I don’t even know what the day is or how to get through everything I have to do!

Image result for burning my candle at both endsAnd in some ways I know if I stay on this track I will hit that horrible dark spot again, the one I have stayed clear from for over 2 years now. It’s not like I feel it coming, but I just know that if I keep burning my candle at both ends it will happen. So how does anyone find the balance between excitement and relaxation? The balance between giving and receiving? The balance to live happily in high speed and slowing down when needed?

I definitely don’t have the answers yet! But I know that I have taken some small steps to change my environment to help me find the balance. This last weekend I changed out my yoga space in my bedroom with an office space. Because honestly, I never did yoga in my bedroom after I created a yoga space in the living room. Image result for easelAnd who needs TWO yoga spots in one house LOL 😉
So now its22.41 pm and I’m not crawled up in bed yet, I am sitting in my office space and writing. And it feels great to have this time by myself. To do what I love! Because before I got this space I went to bed when the kids did around 9 pm and watched movies and just slept. My office space was then in the hallway and I made to much noise for the kids to sleep and I felt uninspired sitting alone in a long dark hallway. Now I have my stuff all around me and I can light candles and incense sticks and just enjoy writing, or even paint if I feel like it 🙂 All I want from Santa now is an easel, that would make my personal space even more fun!!

So hopefully I will be around more, and I am also looking forward to writing more about my inner journey over the last 6 months. It has been a lot of changes, and I feel ready to share some of it soon ❤ And hopefully I will be able to start sharing on the Survivers blog too soon ❤

See you around soon!

 

 

Creativity 🎨

When life just felt full enough this summer I decided to enroll in arts and crafts this year 😝

I have never had any eye catching talents in the department 😂 but I wanted to challenge myself and get more versatile as a teacher. So I’m now in day 3 on campus were we are working with our teachers to get more experience. 

And it’s turning out to go from pure frustration to pure fun!! 

Who could have believed that I would love to loose control and play outside the frame? Wow, I sure didn’t 😳 

My ugly negative criticism is close, I call it my troll. But I’m keeping it at arms length and I’m not letting it take control. High five to me ✋🏻

Here are some of my fun projects this week 🎨🖌

The weekend 👌🏻

My plan was to get on track with some arts and crafts project I’m delivering next weekend for my class. But unfortunately I caught a cold the other day, so I’m knocked out and in bed. It’s been so long since I have felt this sick, so in some ways I think my body just told me it needed a break after some busy months. 

It’s funny how you can ignore those signs for so long because you are having fun! Luckily we had nothing planned today, and the sun is shining, so the kids are out playing while I’m bing watching on Netflix 👍🏻🤒

Tomorrow I will have to spend some time painting my projects before we are invited on a soccer match. First time for the kids, only the two youngest are going since the oldest couldn’t care less about soccer 😉 but I used to go to a lot of these matches before I had kids, so I’m looking forward to go again with the kids 👍🏻 

My Lily is already having so much fun with soccer, next year Leon is joining a team too 👍🏻


The rest of today will be well spent in bed though, and the kids are joining me later for a movie and popcorn 👍🏻❤️

I have an urge..

To write again 📝

It’s been a long break and in some ways it feels like just a few days ago I needed a break.

A lot has happened and more often than less have I missed sharing it here.

I managed to finish my bachelor degree in pedagogic last school year 🎉 so now I’m in my final year! In 9 months in graduating 🎓 almost like carrying and delivering my babies 😉

It will be amazing to be done, but I have planned some extra studies to get some extra credits.

Kids are doing great, finally my little man started school! And he loves it! Yesterday he came home with this beautiful drawing of us:


The other two are thriving and doing great at school and with their activities.


We also had a great vacation in Spain this year, will get back to that in another post ❤️

Me?! Well I’m doing fine, getting to a lot of crossroads personally this fall and I guess that’s where my urge to write comes from.


Ending today’s post with some gratitude, it feels good to be back❤️🙏🏻

Friendship material 🤔

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So after pondering a lot about the conversation that happened on Thursday I feel ready to share and maybe even processes the thing even better.

The start of the whole conversation was my stupid fault, I had a thought rant that just ended up being expressed to the wrong person. At least that is how I see it now.

The thought rant was about a spiritual message I had read somewhere on FB, and it was something like this:

“if you want a boyfriend in your life you need to create space for him”

So I said this to the person I was with:

“I have read this spiritual message somewhere and it made me realize that I need to open myself up to love if I ever want a boyfriend: BUT I’m really not ready to share my home with anyone at the moment other than the kids. I don’t really like to have people over either, how can I have room for a boyfriend?” then I laughed.

She didn’t.

She just looked at me, so I got uncomfortable, and I kind of stated: ” I might be a bit strange…”

Then she said: “You are very strange and it is not normal to not have people over.”

 

At this moment I was deep into “fight or flight” mode. This is actually something we work with in therapy, so it was a huge learning moment for me too. I didn’t recognize it as that in the moment, but I see it now.

The conversation about me not being to keen on visitors continued into friendships. And this is a part of that conversation:

 “Well I have my dad over and I see him as my dad, supporter and friend. So I am not all alone here. And I have some mums in my kids daycare or class that I really like and hope to create closer bonds with. But it is not easy moving back to a place where everyone never left. I’m not a person that claims people”

Her respond: “your dad is your family, not your friend. He has to be around”.

Luckily I know he doesn’t feel like that, even though she does.

And finally I had to defend myself some more, or try to not sound like a crazy person:

” I have my friend over the last 9 years in Oslo, she will always be there for me”

Her respond:

“it doesn’t count as a friendship when she is living so far away!”

And she said somewhere in the conversation also about me being to old (I’m 39 next month) to create new, significant friendships and how different she was when she had young kids because she always had time for friends.

WELL, I  am a single mum with three kids, a student and I work. I really don’t have time! She was a stay at home mum, with her mother in law helping her with her kids!

Not that I care anymore about what she did compared to what I do.

I am proud of my life and what I am accomplishing.

In the end I was lucky enough to have a meeting with my therapist I had to leave for, BUT her word there and then became my reality. And in the car for my 45 minute long drive I added the words to my reality and decided it was time to move away from my hometown. I made a plan. I had it all sorted out when I parked my car. On the way up the stairs to my therapists office I realized I couldn’t move the kids again. I had not added their feelings and love for this place in my plan.

So when my therapist asked me how I felt, I broke down in tears. I couldn’t say anything for 5 whole minutes. And that is a long time crying.

But what happened then, and what happens usually during these situations when I have someone to talk too about negative thoughts regarding myself, is that I can reason. I manage to reason with myself, my feelings and my flight plan.

One year ago I would have fled. With no looking back.

Now I manage to reason. And this is what I finally figured out, this is my truth:

First off all I am N O T to old to create new friends. And I will never be to old.
Secondly I H A V E great friends. And even though my closest friend lives 3 hours away I know she will always be there. And it doesn’t matter that we don’t talk or see each other everyday, the friendship is strong and when the kids have left the nest we will have that time again.

Thirdly I have great friends online and in other countries, friends I have met traveling or friends that I have met through my blog or spiritual practice. These are my friends, and I will never stop thinking about these people as friends. No person in this world can take that away from me, or redefine those friendships.

And lastly I have friends I study with, friends I work with and friends here I live. These friends are growing friendships.

Being an introvert makes it harder for me to just jump into friendships or declare that someone is my friend. But I know that when people ask for my help or advice, and I freely can ask for their advice or help we are friends.

So I might not visit people much, I don’t have visits over much. But it doesn’t make me a strange person with no friends. It makes me just a person who needs her privacy and quiet time. There are kids here all the time in addition to my own kids, I love that and right now that is all the visits I need ❤

In the end I am friend material, and I  might even one day consider myself girl friend material too 😉 But right now I am happy with myself and my friends. My life doesn’t lack anything, I am grateful for all the people in my life ❤

 

#tbt 

  
Did this girl know how hard life was going to be? What would she have done if she knew? Is she not friend material? 

Today someone told me that I might be to old to create new friendships. That I’m to strange or weird. Being 40 next year is to late for me. 

It through me into a head spin 🙃 and I have strong feelings about her comments that I will write more about tonight. 

Does our childhood predict our future? Because the girl in that picture had friends. This girl writing believes she has friends, is she wrong? 🤔