I had a five hours operation last Sunday. Before the narcosis the nurse told me to think about something happy. I was in so much pain that I told her it was almost impossible to find a happy thought.
But then I thought about my kids. And I drifted away.
When they woke me up from the narcosis I cried, a lot.
They didn’t understand why I cried so much. But I know why and I still remember why clearly.
What I remember is that just before they woke me up I was having a very realistic dream. And calling it a dream almost seems wrong.
Because what I was doing while being unconscious or in narcosis or a sleep, was spending time with Jom. Jom was the love of my life. He passed away 12 years ago. We spent a brief time together in Thailand, but he marked my soul with his love back then.
In my “dream “we were happy together celebrating life, living, smiling and laughing. It was nothing romantic about the “dream”. It was like a normal day in life.
And in the middle of doing housework or something like that. He freezes up turns around and look me in the eyes and says: your kids need you, but we will meet again.
I protest in my dream. I tell him in my dream I don’t want to leave him. I tell him my kids will be fine and that I want to stay with him. He just kisses me and smiles.
And then I wake up crying, nurses everywhere trying to call me down. They ask me why I’m crying, but it’s too hard to tell them. And on the other hand I’m scared they will think I’m crazy if I tell them something like this.
And to this day it makes me cry, it felt so real to be with him again. And in some ways I feel guilty for saying my kids don’t need me and for wanting to stay with him.
When you are in a narcosis your body needs help to breath and I wonder if it gives your soul the possibility to touch other souls that has passed on.
I love my kids I would never leave them intentionally, but I loved him too so I understand why I felt the need to stay with him when it felt like an option. Life is filled with mysteries and this particular experience has made me wonder about life even more.