Sunday song 🎧

Today my song is a tribute to a wonderful woman I got to know when I moved to the big city when I was only 19 years old. I shared a great time with her and her two girls as she was going through a divorce and I was going through the transition from teenager to young adult. She helped me to feel strong and curious about life ❤ Now she is remarried and have three young boys with her new husband. I havent stayed close to her over the last years, but we have kept track of each other through Facebook.  I remember her so well, and I remember last time we met in Thailand. She is so kind and wonderful, and she has always had a huge spot in my heart.

2016 is the year she is fighting breast cancer. 2016 is a year of heartbreak, but also strength. I totally believe she will win this fight. I have true faith in her strengt.

Today she posted this beautiful song made by her sons and their cousine. Its a tribute to her, and also a song about them standing together as a family fighting cancer. Its in Norwegian, but its just so powerful and it had to be my Sunday song ❤

I believe in your ability to fight Cathrine, my prayers and love are with you all ❤

#fuckcancer

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– blank space –

I feel I am like a blank space at the moment. Just in between everything. Just existing. In between breaths. Not really living, not really here. In that blank space where a moment is over and another one has not started.

Is it possible to be there. To stay there?

I need to pray.

I went to see my grandaunt today. She is not getting better. She had her biopsy of her liver done and now her liver is bleeding. It wont stop. So they have transported her by helicopter to a hospital in Oslo. And they will try to stop the bleeding there. I am not sure they will manage. Or that she will survive this. She is so weak.

I need to pray.

On top of that my little man had a fever at daycare today. So I had to leave the hospital before she got picket up by the helicopter to pick him up. And all I want to do is to drive to Oslo to be with her. But I have no one to take care of my kids.

I need to pray.

So here I am in the blank space, not sure what to do. All I know is that I feel sorrow. Deeply. And I feel the end for something. And its not good. Its not good at all. I cry. Then I am all out of tears. And then I cry some more. This is not what I expected of the new year. This makes me feel lost and unsure about life.

I need to pray.

Head in the clouds

First off I want to say sorry if I haven’t responded to all my comments, I put a lot of effort into doing so, but this last week has not been the easiest! But I appreciate all your comments and I read them all ❤ My head is just a bit in the clouds.. or even outer space… at the moment, but I am slowly landing.

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I was hoping for a quiet and peaceful day today, since yesterday was a bit rough. I spent 4 hours with my aunt in the hospital. Her leg is healing very well, so she will soon be ready to be moved to the cancer department for more tests. But she is not eating well, so first she needs to get her strength and appetite back. Crossing fingers for her, and are seeing her again on Friday.

After her visit I went to see my therapist. I was hoping for some feedback and my temporary treatment plan. But was sadly disappointed. We hadn’t been through all the question forms, so had to finish one more yesterday. So next Thursday will hopefully be the day. I will have to do more questions to get my final treatment plan though, but that’s fine. I just need some feedback now on how her outlook forward. And I feel anxious about hearing it, even though I rationally think its only going to be a good plan that will suit me well. But some of the questions yesterday got me into a head spin!

And I am still feeling it.

It was about trust and forgiveness. And I need to write a new post about this, coz I really need to went my feelings about it. But I am not ready yet. My head is still spinning..

This morning when I wanted to get the kids to daycare and school my car didn’t start! I had a flat battery. Not sure what happened, but probably a door that wasn’t closed last night. So we had to walk. And Lara’s school is in the opposite direction from the daycare, so we had a 50 minutes walk out in the cold. Lily and Leon was so brave, coz we first had to walk Lara to school, she was too scared to walk alone, since she need to cross a bridge over a river… Luckily it was only around 0 degrees, so we didn’t freeze to death 😛

Later a new friend of mine came and picked me up at daycare. And she helped me to get my battery recharged. Felt really blessed. Coz I have always relaid on my dad when I have been living here, and now he is in Spain. So it was a strange feeling to not be able to call him for help. But the angels was around me and I got some unexpected help instead, help I appreciate deeply!

Mindful Monday – week 2

Its been a rough week. But I have been able to stay mindful about myself. It has probably been so much going on that I haven’t had time to judge myself…

Last Thursday I got the message that my grand-aunt had cancer in her liver. She was so devastated, so I stayed with her all Thursday and also half of Friday. All I could do was to be there and hold her hand, so I did. Thursday I cried the whole time. Friday was a better day. She felt calmer too, so we just stayed together in her hospital room. She has to heal her leg before they can proceed with the cancer issue. So her focus now is to get some food in her system and just relax. She managed well on Friday.

I couldn’t bring the kids there during the weekend, too much illness for them to see, so I am going back to her tomorrow. And I bought her a cellular phone so she can keep in touch with my father and me. We are the only two people she has now. Her husband died of cancer some years ago. And since my dad is in Spain and going to Chile at the end of this month, I felt it would be nice for her to at least hear his voice. And she finally agreed, she hasn’t had a phone for many years!

On Friday I needed some quiet time. I had a not had time to think about the therapy session at all. But it went nice, and tomorrow we are doing more questions. And I will also get a temporary treatment plan! I think that’s a huge step! And it kind of scares me a bit too. Coz what if it’s not what I expect. Well, hopefully we are on the same page, and will find the path together.  But its going to be interesting to see here view on everything so far. Her professional take is important to me.

The rest of the weekend was pretty quiet around the house. The girls visited friends houses, and me and Leon spent some quality time at home.

I made a badass dinner in my crock-pot and we did family yoga together, super fun! But not as deep as my regular practice. But the kids love it, so we will be doing it every weekend when we have time!

If you want to have a sneak peek at my yoga practice you can look under the #peacefulyogamama on Instagram. I am tagging all my poses and videos there so that I can see my own progress 🙂 I don’t love my body at the moment, but I am starting to love my practice again! And that’s a huge step for me 🙂

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Yesterday I got another bad news, sadly. My uncle is suffering from ALS. And my grandmother told me the doctors have told him that he might have only 2-3 years left of his life. It is so sad. And it is going so fast, he is already unable to walk. And one of his feet are strapped because he can’t hold it up. I had never heard about this before the ice-bucket challenge, and felt grateful that I didn’t have anyone close suffering from it. And now I do. So I have promised my grandmother to drive her to his house every now and then, so my grandfather don’t need to, it’s a pretty long drive.

And a friend of mine made me aware of that it seems like me moving here had a higher reason. Not only did the kids get a happier life, but I am needed. My family needs me to help out, something I would never have been able to in the city. So I am accepting that this is life at the moment.

Ending this post with my mindfulness that is inspired from Silver Threading. Well I think as this week starts off with a lot of issues from last week still on the plate. I will keep mindful thinking about myself as my focus. It did help me several times last week, and I think I still need to stay here. It is so important to me to find love for myself, so therefore I need to keep focusing on my thoughts about myself. It can only come from the heart, and right now the head is fighting the heart still.

Stay safe out there, I send you my love and you are in my thoughts even when I’m to occupied or sad to blog. But I allow myself to feel the sadness right now, its okay to feel it, but I am not letting it drag me under. I need to stay strong for those who need me ❤

Absent

I might be a bit absent now. My grand aunt is in hospital and is getting checked up for cancer. She originally went to the hospital before Christmas because of an infection in her leg and have been there now for 4 weeks. She had surgery yesterday because of her wound and the infection. During her CT they caught something that seemed to be cancer in her liver.

She is not and old lady, only 67. But her health has been bad over the last decade and she lost her husband to cancer some years ago.

My dad is her primary contact person, but when he is away its my job. And he is currently in Spain and going to Chile at the end of the month. He might need to get home instead..

It was hard to come for a regular visit today and then hear about the cancer possibility. I sat with her for 3 hours waiting for the doctor. But I had to leave before he came since I have no one who can help me picking up the kids.

But I promised her to come back tomorrow. She is so alone. And so tired. She told me so many times today that she has had enough. It breaks my heart. And she told me her biggest dream was to get better so she could travel with my dad to Spain. I pray her wish will come true ❤

She is also dealing with depression and mental issues, so we had a nice chat about my problems. It was nice to get her support.

My appointment with my therapist went well today. We are getting somewhere, and next week I will get some kind of a treatment plan. Excited.

So that’s life at the moment, dark and depressing. But its family and I will manage to stay focused and give her my love and time for as long as she wants it ❤