Frustration!

So I have this urge to write, but there is so little time! There have been many years since life was as busy as it is right now, and some days I wonder if I really like it like this… Some days I don’t even know what the day is or how to get through everything I have to do!

Image result for burning my candle at both endsAnd in some ways I know if I stay on this track I will hit that horrible dark spot again, the one I have stayed clear from for over 2 years now. It’s not like I feel it coming, but I just know that if I keep burning my candle at both ends it will happen. So how does anyone find the balance between excitement and relaxation? The balance between giving and receiving? The balance to live happily in high speed and slowing down when needed?

I definitely don’t have the answers yet! But I know that I have taken some small steps to change my environment to help me find the balance. This last weekend I changed out my yoga space in my bedroom with an office space. Because honestly, I never did yoga in my bedroom after I created a yoga space in the living room. Image result for easelAnd who needs TWO yoga spots in one house LOL ๐Ÿ˜‰
So now its22.41 pm and I’m not crawled up in bed yet, I am sitting in my office space and writing. And it feels great to have this time by myself. To do what I love! Because before I got this space I went to bed when the kids did around 9 pm and watched movies and just slept. My office space was then in the hallway and I made to much noise for the kids to sleep and I felt uninspired sitting alone in a long dark hallway. Now I have my stuff all around me and I can light candles and incense sticks and just enjoy writing, or even paint if I feel like it ๐Ÿ™‚ All I want from Santa now is an easel, that would make my personal space even more fun!!

So hopefully I will be around more, and I am also looking forward to writing more about my inner journey over the last 6 months. It has been a lot of changes, and I feel ready to share some of it soon โค And hopefully I will be able to start sharing on the Survivers blog too soon โค

See you around soon!

 

 

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Weekend coffee share โ˜•๏ธโ˜•๏ธ

ย If we were having coffee today I would let you know I am sorry I missed out last weekend, but as I briefly wrote life was giving me a hard curve ball and all I managed to do was to breath and not give up!

I managed it pretty well when I look back today. Instead of having a week long meltdown, I had a 12 hours meltdown before I managed to create solutions. I calmed down very fast, by Monday afternoon I was calm as never before. Because I had decided that my rules this time was the lifeline I needed to stay sane. It was what I needed to be able to believe that I was capable to solve the issues and be the best mother I could be. To all three of my kids.

I think what made me calm wasn’t my furious 10 year old, but my scared 5 and 6 year old. They had to sleep with me on Sunday because they were so scared. And they haven’t slept with me in forever! Leon stopped the summer we moved here and Lily when she was 2, and next month she turns 7! So it shook me. Deeply. And I knew Monday morning that everything forward would be about not ending up in that situation again, with any of the kids. Not only Lara. But I also know there are no guaranties. But all I can do now is to try my best to avoid that situation again.

If we were having coffee today I would be so grateful for your company! I miss adult company when life throws me a curve ball like that. And if you remember I had a little rough time before this happened too, so when Lara ran away I felt like life was giving up on me, like I could just give up on life too. And it made it clear that I again had no one to talk too. No adults around.

But honestly when I think about it, I miss adult company on other good days too. So being able to work and see my coworkers kept me sane this week. And it might sound crazy, but on Tuesday I actually spoke up about what happened at home. And I was petrified that everyone would think I was crazy! But instead others told me about similar situations in their homes. Relief. My kid is not unique. Our situation is not unique. We actually sound like a pretty normal family when other share their stories with me. And it just helped me to stick to my rules. To stay calm and to just breath. Because she fought my rules. Monday night she fought. Tuesday – all day long! Wednesday morning. Then only after school on Thursday for a small hour. And nothing this weekend. She now sees that I am not giving in. But I can reward her, and I did so today when she mopped her bed room floor and tidy it from bottom to top!

If we were having coffee today I would most likely have baked you a cake, just because I feel happy on the inside and then I like to bake. I have been thinking about baking for the kids all day, but instead I have cleaned and organized their beds. Lara had a horrible bed situation going on, and she has reclined my offer to give her Lily’s bed, so Lily and Leon could share the bunk bed, for a year now.ย But today she accepted! And Lily and Leon’s bedrooms got so much better too with smaller beds and more floor space. A win-win for all three ๐Ÿ™‚ ย (sometimes mum’s or dad’s knows best, but it is just in the kid to fight it.. I know because I can be the same ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

Yesterday all three of them had a great time outside in the fresh snow (that luckily are gone today!) and I made them hot coco with chocolate cookies. In the evening they where all bundled up in Lara’s bed telling stories and laughing. It was so nice to see their friendship and love for each other โค

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I had a great work week too, I am a bit sad that the next upcoming weeks are only practice work and bachelor assignment work. I love my student life, but I know the next month and a half will be very stressful! But at least I will be teaching English for all those weeks, and that is a great bonus!!

If we were having coffee I would also tell you that I miss my dad a lot right now, but I know he is really enjoying his vacation in Chile. And in reality I just want to travel right now, so I might just be jealous that he is out there having fun and enjoying the heath ๐Ÿ˜› In June we will be going to Spain, and when we leave I will have accomplished to finish my bachelor assignment and 5 exams! That will be a great reward. Beach life and sun, happy kids and some amazing food and shopping! Just what I need after this spring, because it will be hard work to manage to get all this reading, writing and studying done. But I can do it. And I know you would tell me the same. The goal is so close. So close. I will not give in. I will keep pushing, and I know I have you backing me up! Thank you!

Did you have a good week? What are your plans this upcoming week? I hope you are planning some fun โค take care, lots of hugs xoxoxox

weekendcoffeeshare

Day 50 of gratitude โ›น๐Ÿป

  
Morning yoga, swim class and gymnastics at work makes this a great day ๐Ÿ˜ƒ tonight I’m writing my English assignment that is due today with a smile on my face! 

In addition kids have enjoyed another day with new house rules ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป now the big test starts, the weekend and my need to rest and have some alone time ๐Ÿ™ˆ hopefully it will work out for all of us ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’• 

#everydaygratitude 

Weekend coffee share โ˜•๏ธ

 

weekendcoffeeshareIf we were having coffee today I would be happy and sad at the same time.

Happy because I have had a great weekend with my kids at home. Sad because I suck at being a student at the moment.

If we were having coffee right now I would tell you that I need to focus on my studies. I have hardly put in an hour on my pedagogical class, and today I just got feedback on my assignment. And I failed. Mostly because I have not been using the right reference in my text. But I also know the text is weak. So now I need to get it done, better. Much better. And it really scares me, since I have my bachelor assignment also. And I haven’t even started. So now I need to focus on school and turn down work. I just can’t do them both. And that’s why last year went so well too. Because I focused on school.

You know I hate this though. But no human is able to do it all, so I just have to do some work, and more school. Prioritize. Tomorrow will be a new path. Tomorrow I will make changes. Yes. And I feel good about it, because I have been worrying about this a lot!

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that I am still feeling hunger most of the time, but I now also feel fullness after a meal!! That’s a new win!! Not after every meal. And not because I am stuffing my face. But on those days I manage to drink enough water and eat regularly I feel full after every meal. Now I just need to make it a habit.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have finally been brave enough in therapy to address my past regarding the sexual abuse and how I let men treat me like an object, and how that leads me to never manage to have an ordinary conversation with men. It is scary! But it feels like this is the missing part of my complete healing. And when this heal, my weight will also be easier to release. It is deeply connected.
I can tell you though that I am moving forward regarding men and everyday conversations. So it is a small step, and I love those small wins! Together they will all be a huge win one day ๐Ÿ™‚

If we were having coffee I would tell you that we now have complete skiing gear and that I actually hope for some more snow so I can take the kids out skiing this winter. I have not been on skis since I was a teenager, so it will be very interesting to say the least ๐Ÿ˜› But I want the kids to love the outdoors more, so I have to set an example.. At least try to set a good example ๐Ÿ˜‰
So how was your week? Are you exciting about something right now? Or stressed? Would love to hear from you! Have an amazing week, and hopefully I will be back for coffee next week ๐Ÿ™‚

Day 29 of gratitude ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป

  
Today I tried this โฌ†๏ธโฌ†๏ธโฌ†๏ธโฌ†๏ธโฌ†๏ธ

And it was so much fun ๐Ÿ˜ƒ hopefully I can keep it going, I have always loved dancing so it should be a great way for me to exercise ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป motivation is slowly creeping under my skin, maybe I will finally figure this out ๐Ÿค” #ihavehope 

Day 28 of gratitude ๐Ÿ’ก

I had a little awakening at my therapist today! I realized I had survived two social gatherings and one school gathering without having a meltdown!!! 

I managed to stay centered and balanced in all those three events. And today it dawned on me that I feel more confident and comfortable about myself. 

Change. Such a blessed change. And because of this I know I will manage my body changing when I set my mind to loose weight too! Now I just need to set my mind ๐Ÿ’†๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿป

  

Daily posts weekly photo challenge

This weeks photo challenges theme is transitionย and it brought my thoughts directly to my yoga practice. It has never been an easy ride, or a very steady practice. Because I have broken my arm, twisted my leg etc etc and all my injuries are not related to yoga, only to my clumsiness LOL!!

But I have taken a lot of pics over the past 2 1/2 years and the change, transition, is visible to me! I had many other poses where you could see the transition better, but dancer pose is my favorite! So I had to share that one ๐Ÿ™‚ And even though my right arm can’t get as high as I want it, I see that I am now able to get my leg higher in the air, and also finally manage to get the grasp on my leg from the inside!! That is a first tonight!


ย ย 

ย ย 

Weekly guidance ๐Ÿ”ฎ

ย ย This weeks guidance is yet again from Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentines Archangel tarot deck.

This deck is just speaking loudly to me these days and my personal cards always give me great guidance too.

Hope you can get some encouragement or hope through this weeks guidance.

Love and blessings to you all โค

#WeekendCoffeeShare

weekendcoffeeshare

If we were having coffee today you would see how unbalanced I am at the moment. Having contact with my mom over the previous week has given me stress and rage.


Yesterday we were supposed to meet my grandmother and grandfather for dinner to celebrate their 65 years of marriage. My uncles, aunts and cousins was there too. Sadly my grandfather was sick so he couldn’t come. And since February, when my grandmother yelled at me, me and her haven’t really been close so it was because of him I was there.

To say it was awkward is an under statement.

On top of that my mom has been the organizer through a Facebook group. And I blocked her from my Facebook several years ago when she was posting stupid comments on everything I posted, so obviously she had lots to say about me not getting the information on her Facebook group. Most of all how horrible I am that won’t add her on Facebook.

Hopefully by now your coffee is not shocking you with all the stupid drama!
I would also tell you during our coffee that the food she had ordered was horrible and not worth the money I had to pay for it. And the gift she had collected money for was for my grandmother and not for my grandfather.

I would also tell you that it was amazing to see my aunts and uncles again and my cousins and it really reminds me that I need to stay more in touch
with them. And like someone in my family said yesterday; You don’t pick your family Maria, and we understand your feelings regarding your mum, but we still love you and want you in our life no matter how you feel about your mum.
I would also tell you that some weeks ago my mom had promised my kids to go back home with them and spend some days during their fall break. So when she picked up the kids today 40 minutes late she announced that she had the flu!

To say that I got upset is an understatement again! I seriously got so upset that I had to say goodbye to the kids before they were leaving, before they were even in the car, and just go inside the house and lock the door. My nightmare is that they now and get sick during my important run up for my exams! I almost canceled the whole trip! But I saw tears in my oldest eyes so I just had to breathe and go inside with a smile.
The kids should not be let down by her again. So this will be the last time I arrange anything for her with them.

I’m so sorry our coffee is so upsetting and stressful. My life at the moment is really calm when it comes to work studies and my kids and me. And it’s very obvious to me that when I eliminate her from my life I’m peaceful.

I think by now I would be on my 3rd cup of coffee, and also starting to relax. And I would tell you that I went to the hospital on Wednesday this last week. To attack my weight problem. And I had some issues with my blood work I need to follow-up on. But nothing seriously like diabetes. Also we talked about food and surgery. But I’m not doing surgery right now, because I had lost 11 pounds.

And really I have lost them without doing much. So I’m going to see the food therapist and a food plannerย so we can make a plan. And if it hasn’t helped me within six months we will apply for surgery. It feels very right, like this is the right approach right now. I’m not rushing for surgery anymore, I’m also focusing more on just being healthy and not skinny.
I would think we would be on cup eight now so I would tell you how much I love the fall weather we have right now. But also how much I’m looking forward to Halloween this month because they’re having a really good event for the kids in this town. And overall life is calm, life is good.

Oh! And lastly I would tell you my English class is so much fun, but I’m struggling to get everything done with one arm, even though I’m getting better it’s going VERY slowly!! But I’m not giving up, I will just have to use a bit more time than I anticipated ๐Ÿ˜‰

If we were having our 9th cup of coffee by now I would say; What about you? How is life treating you?