Choices!

So I have been missing in action again! I just don’t grasp time these days! Its flyyyyyying! The weeks are disappearing so fast, I’m literally looking over my Christmas stuff these days lol

Image result for choices memeThen we have all these choices.

How do we even know how to make the right choices?

Some weeks ago I was ready to embark into the jungle of online dating again! Like I didn’t learn my lesson already! But how do you meet anyone when you are alone with young kids? Well online is the answer I keep hearing from “everyone”.

But then I decided to delete the idea and just find peace in being alone. For now at least.

Was it the right choice, or was it fear that took control?

I have no clue, and this is how I resonate with everything these days.

Making choices and then second guessing them. Helping myself to get more confused, that’s all I do.

Image result for second guessing ecardsSo now I am second guessing my education path.

Again!

Not that I don’t want to be a teacher, but am I taking the right subjects? Should I delay what I am doing and choose differently?

OMG!

And then you have the weight loss situation! And the therapy situation! And the kids! And money! And! And! And!

Life is actually just a path of choices. And all we do is accepting choices. We either hit a wall and learn a lesson, or we choose right and experience happiness. So why is it so hard to just accept these parts of life?

Why do I wish over and over that I had no choice? Don’t you think I would have complained if the choices was gone too?

Image result for live in the momentI sure do.
SO! Enough about the whining, time to just enjoy the moment, challenge myself and keep accepting life as it is. NO more second guessing! So I might hit a dump in the road, but that is how I will grow! And that is how I will be a great role model for my kids too ❤

 

 

 

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Reality or dreams?

When something happen, and its not something good I kind of just accept it as part of my whole messed up life. But I hate it when it also affects my kids. It makes it more real. And when the kids are involved I get hurt on a much deeper level. When its just me, its just how its always been.

Then something different changes it. Something new. Something unexpected. And then I start to wonder. Is it a dream or is this reality.

Coz when you for such a long time has been experiencing a pattern a change only feels unreal. Like a dream. Like something that is happening on the outside of you. Not a part of you or your life.

But it did. And it felt good to be seen. To see that I was not invisible. That my feelings was accounted for. That my kids feelings was accounted for. For the fist time. But its a first time for everything. Now I only need to see if it will be followed up. Or if it was a flash of a dream. And in reality just a coincident.

Action is what describes the situation, not any more words. And isn’t it absurd that its so important for us to be seen? To be remembered.

I’m working my ass off to give my kids everything I didn’t have. And that includes being seen. Being remembered. And being 100% sure that I every day do my best to give them a stable, healthy and happy life.

And a part of that is to keep negative people out of our lives, even if its family. Coz when you have a negative experience with someone close to you, like family members, you want nothing like that for your kids. But I have given it a try. Many actually. And now I’m at this place where I want to give it up, but I feel I’m hurting the kids by taking this unstable situation away from them. Coz they don’t know now that its not doing anything good for them. I’m the only one who can see it. Coz I’m the adult.

So with all of this above going on. I have asked my therapist to contact a family counselor. Someone that are good at these type of situations. That can help me evaluate what I need to do to protect my kids, but also not to hurt them. It was not easy. And its not going to be easy. But in the end I will have to make some type of choice after we have discussed it all. And hopefully then I will know what is the right choice for me AND my kids.

Coz sometimes I think its just my problem with these family members, not my kids. And should they suffer from my feelings. But as long as they are young kids I have to deal with the family members too. And I’m not sure if I see these people as good role models for my kids either… And frankly if I didn’t have kids some of these people would not be in my life at all. Because I would never ever have chosen them to be.

But I had a positive experience last week, where I expected nothing but the hurt and let down. And even though the kids and I got hurt, we got an apology. So things can change. And as I change, maybe they also change..

I don’t know. But hopefully I will know one day. Coz its hard to feel so much resentment towards someone everyone expect you to care for, and that I see that my kids care for. I just don’t. And even when the resentment will be dealt with, I don’t think I will find much love to replace it with. I think there will only be emptiness. Coz some betrayals are deeper than others..

So tonight I’m turning inwards and away from it all to find my center and enjoy a quiet evening with the monkeys ❤

Peace, out!