Tuesday inspiration 📿👌🏻💫

   
    
    
    
 

Advertisements

Day 92 of gratitude 💫

  
Do you push yourself enough? Today I have pushed myself a lot! And I’m so grateful that I trust myself to dream big, to push myself and trust that the universe got my back! Hopefully my dreams will be fulfilled one day in the future, today I at least planted another seed 🌱👌🏻🌟

Weekly guidance 🔮

  This weeks guidance is yet again from Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentines Archangel tarot deck.

This deck is just speaking loudly to me these days and my personal cards always give me great guidance too.

Hope you can get some encouragement or hope through this weeks guidance.

Love and blessings to you all ❤

Sunday song 🎶

This song doesn’t fit me at the moment, but the lyrics did some years ago

and her voice is one of my favorites.So even though I don’t have

a broken heart any more I can feel this song deeply and it heals in so many ways.

Hope you enjoy it too!

I Don’t Wanna See You With Her lyrics

It’s a small town
Word gets around
And travels in circles
Through hoops over heard-offs
Everyone is careless
They talk about our mess
They don’t care how it hurts me
Must think it was easy

They say you have a new love
I’m happy for you, love,
I just don’t wanna meet her
Are you gonna keep her?

‘Cause I don’t wanna see you with her
I don’t wanna see her face
Resting in your embrace
Feet standing in my place
I don’t wanna see you’ve moved on
I don’t think that I’m that strong
It hasn’t been that long
Since I was the one in your arm

I don’t like being sober,
That’s when it hits me it’s over
Although it was my choice
I can’t shake your con voice
Saying you’ve found one,
That makes you feel all strong
And helps you through hard times
‘Cause that job was once mine

They say you have a new love
I’m happy for you, love,
I just don’t wanna meet her
Are you gonna keep her?

‘Cause I don’t wanna see you with her,
I don’t wanna see her face
Resting in your embrace
Feet standing in my place
I don’t wanna see you’ve moved on
I don’t think that I’m that strong
It hasn’t been that long
Since I was the one in your arm

I don’t wanna see you with her
I don’t wanna see you with her

‘Cause I don’t wanna see you with her,
I don’t wanna see her face
Resting in your embrace
Feet standing in my place
I don’t wanna see you’ve moved on
I don’t think that I’m that strong
It hasn’t been that long
Since I was the one in your arm

Source: http://www.lyricsontop.com/maria-mena-songs/i-dont-wanna-see-you-with-her-lyrics.html

Weekend-coffee-share ☕️

If we were having coffee today it would be in our pajamas on my couch after way too many drinks last night. Because after this week I really needed a blowout! And it’s not in a bad way.

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that the meeting I attended on Wednesday shook my world. I might have mentioned this meeting last year, and I’m really happy it didn’t happen until now. A year ago I might not have healed, I might have gone deeper into the darkness instead. I deeply feel this past year has brought me to the place I am today where the information I got was appreciated not devastating.

So what kind of information did I get?

Well if we were having coffee today I would tell you that I have now seen all the official papers from my childhood. Not my father’s story, not my mother story, not my story, but the official records with dates and facts. And you might think it’s not important to read all of these. But honestly I have been hearing so many different stories that it was really important to see these.

Did it change my view on anything? Yes it did.
For the first time I now know that my father never wanted to adopt us away.

For the first time I now know what happened when my mom decided to leave us. And there is nothing in this world that can change my view on that anymore. I have an official paper with dates and actions. And for the first time ever I know I was never the reason she left.

And to some it might feel like we should be closer because of this information, but it has brought me further away from her. There is no longer any excuse in being only 16 when she had me. She had support but she ignored it. She left. No one forced her.

If we were having coffee I will tell you that I don’t need to go deeper into that I’m climbing up the rabbit hole. I would tell you that what I read this week gave me closure on so many levels.

But at the same time it opened doors. Suddenly there are people around me remembering. There are people who saw me back then for who I am today. It might sound strange, but my teachers from first grade described the person I am today back then. And suddenly I’m not unsure of who I am.

Suddenly I see my purpose.

So if we were having coffee today I will tell you that on Friday I put my big girl pants on and I went for what I want it. I have been unsure about my teacher practice. There’s a certain place I wanted to be, but I wasn’t brave enough to tell my student counselor. But on Friday I asked the school I wanted to be at if I could do my teacher practice there. The answer was yes! So now I get to learn from a great teacher that I truly believe can teach me a lot.

So now you understand why this would be the morning after coffee. Because these things I mention are only high lights, there has been lots of other stuff happening too! But all those other things are life now, Life in this small town is so much busier than I’m used to in the city! But I love it, and I’m feeling happy again.

So if we were having coffee now I would ask you what makes you happy? How does happiness feel to you?
❤️

Day 58 of gratitude ✏️

Today I’m thankful for all of your comments and likes!! It truly touches my heart! I read all of your comments and I try to respond as fast as I can! #thankyou

#WeekendCoffeeShare

weekendcoffeeshare

If we were having coffee today you would see how unbalanced I am at the moment. Having contact with my mom over the previous week has given me stress and rage.


Yesterday we were supposed to meet my grandmother and grandfather for dinner to celebrate their 65 years of marriage. My uncles, aunts and cousins was there too. Sadly my grandfather was sick so he couldn’t come. And since February, when my grandmother yelled at me, me and her haven’t really been close so it was because of him I was there.

To say it was awkward is an under statement.

On top of that my mom has been the organizer through a Facebook group. And I blocked her from my Facebook several years ago when she was posting stupid comments on everything I posted, so obviously she had lots to say about me not getting the information on her Facebook group. Most of all how horrible I am that won’t add her on Facebook.

Hopefully by now your coffee is not shocking you with all the stupid drama!
I would also tell you during our coffee that the food she had ordered was horrible and not worth the money I had to pay for it. And the gift she had collected money for was for my grandmother and not for my grandfather.

I would also tell you that it was amazing to see my aunts and uncles again and my cousins and it really reminds me that I need to stay more in touch
with them. And like someone in my family said yesterday; You don’t pick your family Maria, and we understand your feelings regarding your mum, but we still love you and want you in our life no matter how you feel about your mum.
I would also tell you that some weeks ago my mom had promised my kids to go back home with them and spend some days during their fall break. So when she picked up the kids today 40 minutes late she announced that she had the flu!

To say that I got upset is an understatement again! I seriously got so upset that I had to say goodbye to the kids before they were leaving, before they were even in the car, and just go inside the house and lock the door. My nightmare is that they now and get sick during my important run up for my exams! I almost canceled the whole trip! But I saw tears in my oldest eyes so I just had to breathe and go inside with a smile.
The kids should not be let down by her again. So this will be the last time I arrange anything for her with them.

I’m so sorry our coffee is so upsetting and stressful. My life at the moment is really calm when it comes to work studies and my kids and me. And it’s very obvious to me that when I eliminate her from my life I’m peaceful.

I think by now I would be on my 3rd cup of coffee, and also starting to relax. And I would tell you that I went to the hospital on Wednesday this last week. To attack my weight problem. And I had some issues with my blood work I need to follow-up on. But nothing seriously like diabetes. Also we talked about food and surgery. But I’m not doing surgery right now, because I had lost 11 pounds.

And really I have lost them without doing much. So I’m going to see the food therapist and a food planner so we can make a plan. And if it hasn’t helped me within six months we will apply for surgery. It feels very right, like this is the right approach right now. I’m not rushing for surgery anymore, I’m also focusing more on just being healthy and not skinny.
I would think we would be on cup eight now so I would tell you how much I love the fall weather we have right now. But also how much I’m looking forward to Halloween this month because they’re having a really good event for the kids in this town. And overall life is calm, life is good.

Oh! And lastly I would tell you my English class is so much fun, but I’m struggling to get everything done with one arm, even though I’m getting better it’s going VERY slowly!! But I’m not giving up, I will just have to use a bit more time than I anticipated 😉

If we were having our 9th cup of coffee by now I would say; What about you? How is life treating you?

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

Life as it is today is pretty good! 

I had my second therapy session this fall,  today and it went better than last time. We managed to keep on track with the subject, and even though I wanted to do ask 20,000 questions I managed to hold back and focus on the subject. 

One of the things  I really understood today is that I need to surround myself with people that are more alike myself. People that don’t trigger my emotions to highs and lows, people that understand me and where I’m coming from and people that I also can relate to and that I also understand from their point of view. 

And being an introvert does not make it easy to find these kind of people! Or any people at all!

BUT i’m not giving up!

 I also realized today that if I was happy about being alone I would not go through therapy. I would have lived my life like this avoiding people and felt good about it. 

But I don’t feel good about it. So it’s time to dig in and get my personality disorder under control! 

Today I also really understood the technique my therapist are using, and for the first time I feel comfortable with the program I’m in. So hopefully with time I will be surrounded by like minded people and feel more connected in the world 😉

#tbt

  
This photo was taken in 2008, and since then I have added more to my back and arms. But it’s not done 😆 and I just don’t seem to be able to save for it either! There is always a pair of boots, a jacket or a vacation to spend my cash on! 

I really want to finish my arms and back, but my vision has also changed over the years. Now I’m into colors, back then I just wanted black and grey! 

But I guess that’s how life is, filled with changes. I better learn to flow with the changes and maybe one day my skin will be the artwork I keep dreaming off 😉

Finally time for coffee again!

If we were having coffee today I would tell you I’m sorry I haven’t had enough time for you lately. Life is just been very busy, in a good way though.
The last two weeks has been filled up with studies and work. And at one point it felt like I was three years back in time when I had a great time working and studying in Oslo.

I would also tell you that it makes me happy to feel this energy again, but that I can also feel that I am not good at saying no or having boundaries when I’m tired.
Luckily I now have my therapist and my physiotherapist who both pull me back when I am pushing to fast forward. I am not good at pulling myself back, and it is something I really want to work at through my therapy.
I will tell you my studies are going well, but I felt a bit upset when I had misunderstood one of the assignments. I find it hard to write about myself and my own learning curve, but I also understand why I need to do it. Hopefully with a little guidance from my teacher I will understand how to do it more accurate in the future.


If we were having coffee today I would also tell you that working again makes me miss my social life in Oslo. There’s something about being around adults that brings out the sadness of those I left behind. Some I thought I would keep in my life, some of those are in my life and some of those are not to my surprise. As you know I have a hard time connecting because I don’t trust anyone, so I still haven’t created any close friendships where I’m living now. But I know in my heart I am going to live here as long as my kids are under my roof, so hopefully friendships will come down the road.


I would also tell you that being a substitute teacher in the first grade has really pushed me outside my comfort zone! I have had to dig really deep to find comfort in the classroom as a teacher. Not because of the kids, but because it has been two or three other adults around me in the classroom every day and I have had to use a microphone!

The teaching part and the kids are not stressful. But these other elements have really stressed me out. But I have taken some time every night meditating and just looking back at the day to find highlights and things I have wanted to change for the next day. And like I have always experience with kids is that we connect really deeply. Because I always take time for them, and I’ll race care. So when the substitute teacher position is over it will be really sad to leave.

During our coffee I would also tell you that I’m not prepared for my math exam this year. But I was also lucky to participate in a seminar this last week that was focused on math. So I’m going to do my best and try to eliminate that little voice in my head who always tells me that I’m not good enough. 

Before I send you off into the night I will tell you that I miss you and that I am looking forward to get my arm back on track so I can drive and see not only you, but all my friends in Oslo again.

I still get emails or messages from friends and previous coworkers that want to hook up and have a good time! So hopefully soon I can get my dancing shoes on and dance the night away with all of you in the city!
Until next time, remember to smile and remember you are enough ❤