Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

So getting back to writing feels perfect in my head, but it is way harder to actually get it done! And I feel deeply that I need it, so why is it so hard to just do it?

I guess it is like my studies too, I avoid it as long as I can even though I know I need it. And just like last fall and the fall before that I question my studies. Did I make the right choice? Should I stop this subject and instead take another one?

I am so afraid of failing and not being good enough that I put myself in this corner of fear. I tell myself everyday that I have made the wrong choices all along. And in the end I finally believe my evil voice..

So how can I be trapping out of therapy when I know I still are hurting myself in my head? Well I hope I now have the tools to take care of the healing and to clear my mind when it happens instead of falling into the well known dark hole.

The hole I seem to crawl at every fall.

Why is it like that? Why does the fall that I love so deeply also bring the darkest times in my life?

Well I guess it must have something to do with the heat and light that slowly disappear.  Maybe I’m not a fall person after all? Maybe I’m really a summer girl? Maybe seeing myself as a fall girl has made it okay for me to nurture my need of hiding and being alone?

What if I am a summer girl that loves people and loves the heat?

Well I do love the light and I do love the sun, the beaches and the sand. But I know in my core that I am an introvert. SO the people is okay, but I will never love the public. But having more people in my life is a goal, so maybe I can see myself as a summer girl that loves some attention and some happiness and joy 😉

Life is funny, and when I take my time to sit down like this to reflect I see that I am okay. That I am where I am supposed to be ❤

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Day 101 of gratitude 🌝

All day today I have been angry and upset about my education situation! It now seems like I can’t get the English I want, and on top my lecture days next fall are the same as my planned group therapy! I figured all this out yesterday and didn’t sleep very well last night 🙄 

So today I hoped to get it sorted out, but I didn’t 🙈 and all day I have been angry and upset. And I just wanted to write an angry hysterical blog post. 

But tonight when I drove Lily to her handball practice the beautiful full moon shone brightly on us in the dark. And I realized that there are bigger problems out there and I’m truly blessed! 

So now I have flipped my view and made a new education plan!! I haven’t fully accepted my loss yet, but I’m getting there 👌🏻and I have English this year, and I know I can take more English classes when my teacher education is done 👍🏻 

So I’m ending my plan of English being my major subject and rather putting my focus on finishing my education so I can get out there in the school system and teach full time 🤓👊🏻📝 

  
 

Weekly guidance 🔮

  This weeks guidance is yet again from Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentines Archangel tarot deck.

This deck is just speaking loudly to me these days and my personal cards always give me great guidance too.

Hope you can get some encouragement or hope through this weeks guidance.

Love and blessings to you all ❤

Weekend coffee share ☕️

weekendcoffeeshareIf we were having coffee today I would tell you how much you mean to me and that I’m grateful to have you as a friend.

I would tell you that the world feels like a very scary place right now. But on the other side it feels like I’m living in a bubble. When I see the terror in the news it feels close but still far far away. I guess it’s because I’m not traveling at the moment, and we are living in the middle of nowhere. But I guess there can be attacks here too.

But its important to me to not feel scared, because if I do let fear into my life right now it might drag me into my darkness again. The last four months has been really positive and good, So I try to stay away from everything that can change my current balance. But I would tell you that it doesn’t mean that I’m hiding from the truth, I’m just not absorbing it completely.

If we were having coffee today I would also tell you that I had two awesome weeks at my school doing my teacher practice. I learned a lot and I found out that I’m feeling much more confident this year than last year.I would also tell you that I’m struggling with my subjects for next year, because I want to be able to work and I might have to take some subjects I don’t have on my priority list just to make my schedule available for substitute teaching. It’s not subjects I don’t find important, it’s subjects I was planning to take later on in life.

But it’s OK I’m used to change and I’m used to adapt to my circumstances. The main goal is to finish my education so I can apply for a steady job and fix my financial situation once and for all.
If we were having coffee today I would tell you I was soooooo close to get out the Christmas stuff today, but I managed to stay away from it. It’s way too early. Instead I got all the kids outside and we tidied up the yard and now we are ready for snow and winter. I’m super excited about Christmas and I can’t wait to get ready to bake and decorate two weeks from now.

12241443_10153586242721005_566271382677028455_nIf we were having coffee today I would also tell you that I’ve thought about this Paris situation a lot regarding my kids. Since we don’t have the TV on in our house much they have no clue what has happened, and I am not sure what to tell or not to tell. So right now I’m not saying much. And hopefully they will be OK. Because there are so much horrible stuff going on in the world, there are terror attacks not only in Paris but many many other places too. And I just want to protect them from the horror and let them live in ignorance for as long as possible.

And earlier today I was changing my picture on Facebook to the one with the filter of the French flag. But then I realized later what about the other countries flags? Why doesn’t this happen when other countries are attacked? So I had to change it back. And then someone commented on praying, he said something about stop all the praying there’s enough religious issue going on. But I pray, not because I’m religious and believe in a God. I pray that humans will take responsible choices, I pray that humans can put love before war,I pray that we as humans can stand together for peace.

And lastly before we end our cozy coffee chat I will tell you I have faith in the human kind. I have faith in love. And it might sound childish and stupid, but I believe times will get better.
So how have you been doing, are you safe where you are in the world? Are you physically safe? Do you feel safe? My love is with you, always and forever ❤️

#WeekendCoffeeShare

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If we were having coffee today you would see how unbalanced I am at the moment. Having contact with my mom over the previous week has given me stress and rage.


Yesterday we were supposed to meet my grandmother and grandfather for dinner to celebrate their 65 years of marriage. My uncles, aunts and cousins was there too. Sadly my grandfather was sick so he couldn’t come. And since February, when my grandmother yelled at me, me and her haven’t really been close so it was because of him I was there.

To say it was awkward is an under statement.

On top of that my mom has been the organizer through a Facebook group. And I blocked her from my Facebook several years ago when she was posting stupid comments on everything I posted, so obviously she had lots to say about me not getting the information on her Facebook group. Most of all how horrible I am that won’t add her on Facebook.

Hopefully by now your coffee is not shocking you with all the stupid drama!
I would also tell you during our coffee that the food she had ordered was horrible and not worth the money I had to pay for it. And the gift she had collected money for was for my grandmother and not for my grandfather.

I would also tell you that it was amazing to see my aunts and uncles again and my cousins and it really reminds me that I need to stay more in touch
with them. And like someone in my family said yesterday; You don’t pick your family Maria, and we understand your feelings regarding your mum, but we still love you and want you in our life no matter how you feel about your mum.
I would also tell you that some weeks ago my mom had promised my kids to go back home with them and spend some days during their fall break. So when she picked up the kids today 40 minutes late she announced that she had the flu!

To say that I got upset is an understatement again! I seriously got so upset that I had to say goodbye to the kids before they were leaving, before they were even in the car, and just go inside the house and lock the door. My nightmare is that they now and get sick during my important run up for my exams! I almost canceled the whole trip! But I saw tears in my oldest eyes so I just had to breathe and go inside with a smile.
The kids should not be let down by her again. So this will be the last time I arrange anything for her with them.

I’m so sorry our coffee is so upsetting and stressful. My life at the moment is really calm when it comes to work studies and my kids and me. And it’s very obvious to me that when I eliminate her from my life I’m peaceful.

I think by now I would be on my 3rd cup of coffee, and also starting to relax. And I would tell you that I went to the hospital on Wednesday this last week. To attack my weight problem. And I had some issues with my blood work I need to follow-up on. But nothing seriously like diabetes. Also we talked about food and surgery. But I’m not doing surgery right now, because I had lost 11 pounds.

And really I have lost them without doing much. So I’m going to see the food therapist and a food planner so we can make a plan. And if it hasn’t helped me within six months we will apply for surgery. It feels very right, like this is the right approach right now. I’m not rushing for surgery anymore, I’m also focusing more on just being healthy and not skinny.
I would think we would be on cup eight now so I would tell you how much I love the fall weather we have right now. But also how much I’m looking forward to Halloween this month because they’re having a really good event for the kids in this town. And overall life is calm, life is good.

Oh! And lastly I would tell you my English class is so much fun, but I’m struggling to get everything done with one arm, even though I’m getting better it’s going VERY slowly!! But I’m not giving up, I will just have to use a bit more time than I anticipated 😉

If we were having our 9th cup of coffee by now I would say; What about you? How is life treating you?

Day 24 of gratitude 🙏🏻

Today I was spontaneously invited to a seminar at the school I’m currently working as a substitute teacher. And the seminar was amazing!!!! So grateful!! And so valuable for me as a teacher student too! 

#thankyou #håvardtjora #inspiration 

  

Coffee-hangout-Saturday ☕️

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that this last week has left me a bit emotionally drained.

First day at school for my both of my girl’s was amazing but it also creates all these thoughts about life and how fast it’s going. I talked to my therapist about it and she asked me if it was because I needed my kids to need me. Honestly I don’t know the answer to that question. But I know that from the past I have been in relationships where people needed me, and where I didn’t really need them.
I would tell you that on that first school day my little girl just wanted me to leave and it made me feel stressed too. And I have thought a lot about why I felt stressed. It’s combined with the feeling of her not needing me and stress about why she don’t want me there. The WHY turned into such a huge thing this week. It really brought me down. My therapist told me to ask her, but I was not ready for an answer.

And I would tell you honestly that the reason why I wasn’t ready for an answer was that I was scared she would have the same answer I have about not wanting my mom around as a kid. I have this horrible memory from being at the train station with my mom about to get on the train and then she slaps this big red lipstick kiss on my cheek while she’s crying out loud. As an adult I understand her action and her tears and all that. But back then as a kid experiencing this over and over and over again, I hated it. I still feel that feeling in the bottom of my stomach when my mom tries to smooch me or hug me.


So now you see why I find it hard to ask my daughter why she doesn’t want me around.

But since you know me, I can tell you I asked her eventually. Her first response was “I don’t know”. Which I pretty much expected from her. But I couldn’t leave it at that so I asked her in another way and her response was because I AM too clingy!

Can you believe it? The exact feeling or response I was terrified to get.


I honestly broke down on the inside, I got really defensive and I tried to not attack with more questions. But I had to ask what she meant by clingy. She then told me that she didn’t like that I always helped her out, she wished I could just stay in the background or leave so she could do everything by herself.

Can you believe the relief I felt? She did not feel that I was too touchy or too close or smooching all over her! She just wanted to be independent.


So I will tell you now that I have learned a lesson. I should never be afraid to ask questions to my kids. Their truthful answers and their truthful view on life and our life as a family doesn’t hurt me. It only brings deeper connections and deeper love between us.

When I came to coffee today I didn’t think I had anything on my mind to share with you. Yet again there’s always something that triggers the conversation and the feelings in me to share my deepest fears and dreams with you.

Hopefully when we leave we both have learned that we are only humans and we are petrified to feel lonely or not needed. And I would tell you that this week I learned a life lesson. Being a mom to a baby or a  toddler is different then a young girl or young boy growing up, but it never takes away my role as a mother.

We will always be mothers to our kids. No one can take that away from us. And with that I will give you a warm hug before I leave with a huge smile on my face ready to embrace a new era in my life. Two school girls and one kid in pre-school! Life is yet again changing fast, but it is just how it is supposed to be. I am embracing all of it  ❤️

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

It has been a really busy week! And it kind of surprised me since I was looking for a quiet week of rest when the kids were back to school. But I guess that’s just how life is 😉

  

Lily had a great first day at school. She is so secure and ready so there’s nothing to worry about, but I worry a bit anyway! I guess it’s never easy to let your little girl go into the world.

Lara also had a great first day. For the first time she didn’t want me to follow her on her first day so she bicycle with a friend all by herself. I was so proud of her!

As mentioned yesterday Leon is still having some issues. But after today’s meeting I’m a bit more calm, because I see small improvements and I believe everyone wants what’s best for him.

My week personally has been very busy mentally. I have had to make some choices about my therapy on Monday and today on Wednesday I am not sure I made the right choice. Because today I was in an interview to be a sub teacher! And it kind of interferes with my therapy. So I just have to wait and see if I get some teaching or not before I maybe change my mind about therapy. I got really excited yesterday because a friend had recommended me to her boss and I didn’t expect that at all since the friendship is fresh and not very deep yet… But I am happy for all the blessings I can get of course 🙂

My arm is filled with pain!!! But I’m dealing. I keep reassuring myself that pain is healing and no pain is a dead arm.

So that’s it for now, not much exciting news from my corner of the world! But I do love every day life again, I’m a sucker for our routines 👌🏻

Throwback Thursday 👌🏻

Living in my childhood home has brought back a lot of memories, both good and sad.

But this throwback is inspired by my arts and crafts class I am taking this fall.

My dad has saved some of the things me and my brother made back in school. And they are really a great inspiration and also a reminder that kids can create a lot whiteout being complicated 👍🏻 something I will remember since I tend to think complicated in my studies 😜

Here are some of our art that I have around my house:


  
  

I also have some paintings that I made 7-8 years ago, and looking at them makes me feel like painting again 🎨 maybe I will get back to it through my class, fingers crossed 😉


Do or don’t.. so hard to choose!

Life as it is today.

image source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/127648970662026158/

I’m not really sure how I feel about life today to be honest. Hmmmm…. I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm. But that the storm is really not that big a dangerous or horrific. It’s just that I don’t know how to get out of it.

I am not sure if this is the beginning of a depressive period again or just a rough couple of days.

I had a long good conversation with my therapist on Monday we talked about the future, about my group therapy, about my school situation.

So I’ve had some bumps in the road with my arm lately and last week I discovered that my group therapy and English lectures fell on the same day.

First I thought I would get a video from the part that I missed out on every Tuesday but then my university told me I didn’t have a valid reason to get the video. So then I felt I needed to choose between therapy and lecture, and that felt horrible! Because I know I can’t skip out on therapy and I can’t skip out on school. They are a deeply connected for my recovery.

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So during the weekend I decided to try to change my subject this year from English to arts and crafts. Since they have lectures on Wednesday and I have nothing else to do on Wednesdays. So I told my therapist so and she then said she felt that I should delay group therapy until after Christmas because of my broken arm. Because I would have a hard time driving to the hospital every week.

I felt kind of relieved when she told me that was an option, because I didn’t think it was.
So yesterday I talked to my university counselor and we changed from English to arts and crafts!

I was really excited about the possibility to have everything organized and in order for the fall. But then I talked to my therapist again today and she said that group therapy after Christmas might be on another day than Tuesday and that she felt that I should take English now after all!!

But the choice is made, I will be doing arts and crafts now.

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I also discovered that my university don’t have the third and fourth section of English that I want. I would have to take that at another university. And a classmate told me that there is another university that offers all four sections of the English I need online. No meetings everything is online. It cost a little bit more than my regular University, but I think it’s worth it. And I can do it in addition to my studies at the University I am at now!

That’s pretty much what my life is focusing on right now. There are lots of other things happening too, but I need to sort out my study plan and therapy plan first.

Kids are happy at home or at daycare, the girls are so ready for school on Monday. We are all looking forward to our daily routines, life just feels better when you have a schedule to follow right now.

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What do you enjoy the most? Vacation time or your every day life?