Choices!

So I have been missing in action again! I just don’t grasp time these days! Its flyyyyyying! The weeks are disappearing so fast, I’m literally looking over my Christmas stuff these days lol

Image result for choices memeThen we have all these choices.

How do we even know how to make the right choices?

Some weeks ago I was ready to embark into the jungle of online dating again! Like I didn’t learn my lesson already! But how do you meet anyone when you are alone with young kids? Well online is the answer I keep hearing from “everyone”.

But then I decided to delete the idea and just find peace in being alone. For now at least.

Was it the right choice, or was it fear that took control?

I have no clue, and this is how I resonate with everything these days.

Making choices and then second guessing them. Helping myself to get more confused, that’s all I do.

Image result for second guessing ecardsSo now I am second guessing my education path.

Again!

Not that I don’t want to be a teacher, but am I taking the right subjects? Should I delay what I am doing and choose differently?

OMG!

And then you have the weight loss situation! And the therapy situation! And the kids! And money! And! And! And!

Life is actually just a path of choices. And all we do is accepting choices. We either hit a wall and learn a lesson, or we choose right and experience happiness. So why is it so hard to just accept these parts of life?

Why do I wish over and over that I had no choice? Don’t you think I would have complained if the choices was gone too?

Image result for live in the momentI sure do.
SO! Enough about the whining, time to just enjoy the moment, challenge myself and keep accepting life as it is. NO more second guessing! So I might hit a dump in the road, but that is how I will grow! And that is how I will be a great role model for my kids too ❤

 

 

 

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Change 👌🏻

The other day I was going through my profile pictures on Facebook, because I realized I still had pictures of my ex there!!! As I was deleting them I realized that my life was looking back at me through my selfies! And I was fascinated about what I saw. How much I have changed, and how strange I look in some pictures.

So I decided to share some here, and also share the life I lived at the moment of the picture. Because I believe change is necessary to have a good life. And my pictures show me at good times, but also during really really trying and hard times.

 

This is me in the fall of 2007. In this moment I was a mother of one and I had no self esteem at all! I felt fat, alone and like a failure. The only thing I felt I managed at this moment was being a mom. And that is not a little thing. Looking back today I see myself in another light. And I wish I could tell this girl that she is enough and that she should be proud of how far she had come at that time. I wish I could hug her and let her know she could find security in herself not a man.

 

This is me around a year later, the fall of 2008. I was in love. I was pregnant with my second child. And I was alone. I had convinced myself that he loved me and that we were ready for a child. In retrospect, I was the only one ready. I don’t regret my child. But I wish I could have told myself that everything would be okay and that I wasn’t expected to fight all alone for something two people needed to fight for.

 

 

This is another year gone by. The late fall of 2009. So tired, but somewhere in there I felt some kind of happiness too. I had my two daughters. And I had fought so hard to get my love back. We were a family again. I believed in us. I believed my love was strong enough for all of us. I believed we could conquer the world with my strength. And I was pregnant again, with a love child. At least that was what it felt like in that moment of time. Weeks later he betrayed this woman, he cheated and lied. Still she took him back. Could I have told this woman to do things differently? Not at all. I was not open for that. I was consumed in what I believed I needed. To be loved, but most of all to love.

 

Winter of 2010. Alone again. This time with three kids. This was the third time he left us during the 3 years we had shared. And every time he left for several months. This time I never believed he would get back to us. But I was open to take him back. My feelings was brushed under layers of layers of need to be loved. This is a year after he cheated on me, and betrayed me. I was still ready to love him, to sacrifice everything for him. All I see is a tired woman. This woman could have listened to me. This woman had accepted another solution than the one that she later chose..

 

Fall 2011. She took her power back, but first she took him back. She realized she didn’t love him anymore. Sleeping with him made her sick and upset. She couldn’t even look at him in the end. So this woman found her strength. She knew she couldn’t get him to leave, he only left when he wanted to. So she tricked him. As soon as he was out of the appartment she turned her back on him. She was done. When this picture was taken he had just moved out. Her eyes are scared, but also relived. I would go back now and let her know she did everything right. For her and the kids.

 

Fall 2012. She had found happiness in her life again. And this time not through a man. But just by living and working and being a mom. She had understood that the greatest way to change her life was to put herself first. To do something that enriches her life and the kids. She was secure all by herself. And she had fought off some demons to let him get back in her life. She felt free of the relationship for the first time. And she had found a purpose in herself, she had now started her teacher studies. She had a very positive outlook on the future.

Fall 2013. This woman is about to take on a job that will drain her. She is already tired, and feeling lonely. But she is trying to hide it and find energy in the people that cheer her on. She believes it is important to make the changes, she thinks she can do it alone. She wants to make a difference. Her choices are made with her heart, not a balanced mind. If I could go back to her I would have told her to take more time to choose. To see the whole picture, and to let her know that she was good enough where she was and that her the job was not the solution to her loneliness….


Winter 2014. A tired woman dealing with depression and eating-disorder. But also a strong woman who had checked into therapy, because she knew it was what she needed. She wanted to heal, she wanted change. And in the middle of all of this she was the best mother she could be. Her anchor in her healing process was being a mom. Without it she would not have had a direction to go.

 

Fall 2015. Finally is the smile in her eyes coming back. Her passion in her life, teaching is now a huge part of her life. She has after a year finally settled down in her hometown, left the city life behind. She is calm on the inside when she needs too, and she is letting her emotions out when she need too. She is seeking balance, not food. She knows that she can create the future she deserve. She is learning to live again.

Fall 2016. This is me now, 9 years later. So much has happened, more than these few words can describe! But finally I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m healthier than I have been in years! On the outside and the inside! I have recently lost 17 kilos (37,5 pounds) and I’m ready to loose the next 23 kg too! I’m living a life free of drama. I have cut people out of my life because I needed to. I have my studies, and next year I will be an educated teacher! My kids are thriving and living happy lives. We are still only an unit of four, but it is perfect for us. Right now I am not ready to change that.  I hope I can bring this experience with me and be the strong woman I want to be. But one thing I have accepted is that I know life will change again, but I am determined to bring my smile and fire with me along the way ❤

 

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

So getting back to writing feels perfect in my head, but it is way harder to actually get it done! And I feel deeply that I need it, so why is it so hard to just do it?

I guess it is like my studies too, I avoid it as long as I can even though I know I need it. And just like last fall and the fall before that I question my studies. Did I make the right choice? Should I stop this subject and instead take another one?

I am so afraid of failing and not being good enough that I put myself in this corner of fear. I tell myself everyday that I have made the wrong choices all along. And in the end I finally believe my evil voice..

So how can I be trapping out of therapy when I know I still are hurting myself in my head? Well I hope I now have the tools to take care of the healing and to clear my mind when it happens instead of falling into the well known dark hole.

The hole I seem to crawl at every fall.

Why is it like that? Why does the fall that I love so deeply also bring the darkest times in my life?

Well I guess it must have something to do with the heat and light that slowly disappear.  Maybe I’m not a fall person after all? Maybe I’m really a summer girl? Maybe seeing myself as a fall girl has made it okay for me to nurture my need of hiding and being alone?

What if I am a summer girl that loves people and loves the heat?

Well I do love the light and I do love the sun, the beaches and the sand. But I know in my core that I am an introvert. SO the people is okay, but I will never love the public. But having more people in my life is a goal, so maybe I can see myself as a summer girl that loves some attention and some happiness and joy 😉

Life is funny, and when I take my time to sit down like this to reflect I see that I am okay. That I am where I am supposed to be ❤

#ThrowBackThursday

Yoga in Spain in June/July this summer was amazing! The kids even asked me if they could do some poses around the neighborhood we lived 😉

I hope we are able to go back next summer!

And it is fun to see how much my body has changed since then! Its only been 2,5 months, but I see the difference!

I will write more in a separate blog post about what I have done to change my appearance so much over the last 6 months, not only on the outside, but mostly on the inside ❤ Healing happens when you least expect it ❤

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Sunday song 🎶

Ending this week with the ultimate parent song in my view 😉

Image source: http://missversatile.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/headphones-music_00387347.jpg

This past week has been about motherhood for me, and it always will be, but in different shades. So next week my teacher studies start up again and my focus will slightly shift.

This song is my kids go-to song when they have fun and role play 🎭 so today I escape into it too 😃

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation,
and it looks like I’m the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in;
Heaven knows I’ve tried

Don’t let them in,
don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel,
don’t let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I’m free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back, the past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on

The cold never bothered me anyway!

Source:http://www.metrolyrics.com/let-it-go-lyrics-idina-menzel.html

Life-as-it-is-Wednesday!

It has been a really busy week! And it kind of surprised me since I was looking for a quiet week of rest when the kids were back to school. But I guess that’s just how life is 😉

  

Lily had a great first day at school. She is so secure and ready so there’s nothing to worry about, but I worry a bit anyway! I guess it’s never easy to let your little girl go into the world.

Lara also had a great first day. For the first time she didn’t want me to follow her on her first day so she bicycle with a friend all by herself. I was so proud of her!

As mentioned yesterday Leon is still having some issues. But after today’s meeting I’m a bit more calm, because I see small improvements and I believe everyone wants what’s best for him.

My week personally has been very busy mentally. I have had to make some choices about my therapy on Monday and today on Wednesday I am not sure I made the right choice. Because today I was in an interview to be a sub teacher! And it kind of interferes with my therapy. So I just have to wait and see if I get some teaching or not before I maybe change my mind about therapy. I got really excited yesterday because a friend had recommended me to her boss and I didn’t expect that at all since the friendship is fresh and not very deep yet… But I am happy for all the blessings I can get of course 🙂

My arm is filled with pain!!! But I’m dealing. I keep reassuring myself that pain is healing and no pain is a dead arm.

So that’s it for now, not much exciting news from my corner of the world! But I do love every day life again, I’m a sucker for our routines 👌🏻

Coffee-hangout-Saturday ☕️

coffee-690453_1280If we were having coffee tonight I would tell you I had a really good time this week with my kids. Probably the best week this summer.

I would tell you that I have pushed myself beyond my pain just to explore and have some fun with the kids. And since I’m off next week from school I can relax and gather energy while they are at school and at daycare. So it’s been all worth it!

I would also let you know that I miss our coffee dates. I miss just being around you listening to you and giving you support when you need it. I would tell you that I sometimes feel we are on different planets and that I miss you when I need to make decisions. I know I can just pick up the phone, but sometimes real life trumps everything!

Sometimes I think I’m looking forward to when the kids are old enough so I can go out and hang out without babysitters. But this week I had a really interesting conversation with Lily that made me realize that their youth and childhood are really precious and disappearing way too fast!


Lily told me that when she grows up she wants to go and travel the world and see all the people living around the globe. And she asked me when she can go. We talked about it and I told her that when she’s 18 she is considerate an adult and can travel alone. What really struck my mind is that that’s only 12 years away! And it’s only eight years away for Lara to turn 18!
So yes I miss our coffee dates in real-life, but when our kids are grownups we can have plenty of coffee date’s and wine date’s, because I know our friendship will last forever.


I hope that when we are done with our coffees tonight you know how much I appreciate your friendship. But that I also appreciate my kids childhood and your kids childhood enough to appreciate our phone calls and emails equally as much as our coffee date’s back in the day.

Just before you leave I would tell you that I have gotten an appointment  with the weight loss department at the hospital and that I’m scared but also hopeful.

I’m pretty good at bringing up topics I don’t want to discuss just before you leave, as I did last time, but some things just needs to be aired not discussed.

And because you know me so well you know that this is what I need.

With butterflies in my stomach I’m getting ready for next week when my little Lily is getting ready for 1st grade.

And Lara is getting ready for 5th grade!

And as always you comfort me and assure me that they will both have a great time at school. And deep down I know you are right and also feel so grateful that you always remind me about the good when I get nervous!

So I send you of with a warm hug until next time we meet for coffee ☕️

Do or don’t.. so hard to choose!

Life as it is today.

image source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/127648970662026158/

I’m not really sure how I feel about life today to be honest. Hmmmm…. I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm. But that the storm is really not that big a dangerous or horrific. It’s just that I don’t know how to get out of it.

I am not sure if this is the beginning of a depressive period again or just a rough couple of days.

I had a long good conversation with my therapist on Monday we talked about the future, about my group therapy, about my school situation.

So I’ve had some bumps in the road with my arm lately and last week I discovered that my group therapy and English lectures fell on the same day.

First I thought I would get a video from the part that I missed out on every Tuesday but then my university told me I didn’t have a valid reason to get the video. So then I felt I needed to choose between therapy and lecture, and that felt horrible! Because I know I can’t skip out on therapy and I can’t skip out on school. They are a deeply connected for my recovery.

connect-20333_1280

So during the weekend I decided to try to change my subject this year from English to arts and crafts. Since they have lectures on Wednesday and I have nothing else to do on Wednesdays. So I told my therapist so and she then said she felt that I should delay group therapy until after Christmas because of my broken arm. Because I would have a hard time driving to the hospital every week.

I felt kind of relieved when she told me that was an option, because I didn’t think it was.
So yesterday I talked to my university counselor and we changed from English to arts and crafts!

I was really excited about the possibility to have everything organized and in order for the fall. But then I talked to my therapist again today and she said that group therapy after Christmas might be on another day than Tuesday and that she felt that I should take English now after all!!

But the choice is made, I will be doing arts and crafts now.

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I also discovered that my university don’t have the third and fourth section of English that I want. I would have to take that at another university. And a classmate told me that there is another university that offers all four sections of the English I need online. No meetings everything is online. It cost a little bit more than my regular University, but I think it’s worth it. And I can do it in addition to my studies at the University I am at now!

That’s pretty much what my life is focusing on right now. There are lots of other things happening too, but I need to sort out my study plan and therapy plan first.

Kids are happy at home or at daycare, the girls are so ready for school on Monday. We are all looking forward to our daily routines, life just feels better when you have a schedule to follow right now.

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What do you enjoy the most? Vacation time or your every day life?

Sunday song ❤️

Woke up grumpy today and decided to work hard on uplifting my mood! This song helped a lot!

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Now I am coloring my hair dark again, but I avoided to color my grey roots in the front!! Very strange lol but I actually like the grey streaks in my dark hair 😉

And in a couple of hours I am joining Lily at a birthday party! Its very common here for the parents to attend, and I am not used to it at all from the city. But Lily asked me to be there today, so I am actually looking forward to it!

Have a worry free Sunday out there!

“Don’t Worry”
(feat. Ray Dalton)

[Chorus:]
Oh, we can own the night
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

I know we’ll be alright
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

[Verse 1:]
I’ll take you to the future
forget about the past
You can keep all of your secrets
I swear that I won’t ask
let go of all your troubles,
I don’t care where you’ve been
the only thing that matters now
is where the night will end

[Pre:]
Them bright big lights are shining on us
That beat so tight it makes you wanna
get up get down like there’s no tomorrow
like there’s no tomorrow
like there’s no tomorrow

[Chorus:]
Oh, we can own the night
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

I know we’ll be alright
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

Oh, we can own the night
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

[Verse 2:]
Let’s get down to business
and show me what you got
just keep the record spinning
the music never stops
you wanna live forever
and reach above the stars
Let’s take it to next level
just light the space ship up

[Pre:]
Them bright big lights are shining on us
That beat so tight it makes you wanna
get up get down like there’s no tomorrow
like there’s no tomorrow
like there’s no tomorrow

[Chorus:]
Oh, we can own the night
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

I know we’ll be alright
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

Oh, we can own the night
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

[Bridge:]
On the rooftop
Surrounded by the stars and the views hot
Ain’t nobody thinking ’bout what you got
Everything’s ours, wanna dip? Get a new spot
Don’t worry, don’t worry
The night never ends, no hurry no hurry
Shorty look thick and the lines get blurry
And the nights in your palm so we might get dirty
DJ, let the beat play, make a heat wave, when you replay this
Tonight we gone party like its d-day
Young and free saying this the one on my CK shit
The Moon is the light
Sky is the ceiling
The low is the base and the high is the feeling
The world is the club, all in cause we can
This’ one for the books don’t worry bout a thang

[Chorus:]
Oh, we can own the night
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

I know we’ll be alright
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

Oh, we can own the night
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t worry ‘bout a thing

Source:http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/madcon/dontworry.html