Early bedtime! The girls had disco last night so I was the driver 🚘 all night! And after a long day (week) at work I went to bed minutes after I parked the car 😉 slept like a baby, Leon fell asleep before the whole thing even started ❤️
Crafting! My girls have been crafting a lot lately. Lara has made her own knitted handbags and Lily made curtains for a cardboard house today. They love creating and next week Lara is going to learn how to use a sewing machine 👍🏻👍🏻
I’m happy we have people around us that inspire them, because it is not me 😂
Some days the teacher profession feels like a dream far far away! But since Thursday when I finished my latest assignment things have felt more real, I dare to dream about finish this education next spring.
And yesterday and today I have planned my English classes for the next five weeks. I have a lot more to do, but I have the rough plan, and this upcoming week sorted out. And now I am super excited about the response from the kids, fingers crossed that it will be okay!
If we were having coffee today it would have been out on my new porch in the beautiful sunshine with blankets and cozy pillows! It is not spring here yet, but the sunshine is amazing, and the crisp air is healing.
Today I took the kids out for a small stroll in the neighborhood. We should have done that a long time ago! It was amazing! And there was plenty of places for the kids to play, climb and run.
IBut the best part was us being outside together, chatting, playing, laughing and walking. We haven’t been so relaxed in a very long time. And when we got back home the kids wanted to stay outside and play! They stayed outside and played for three more hours and then we all had family tacos before shower and bedtime stories. A perfect end to a really really good family spring break. Tomorrow we are going back to the everyday life. I haven’t really missed it this time, I usually do….
If we were having coffee today I would tell you that this week with the kids have been so good, but this week emotionally has been so rough. I keep getting into these conversations where I have to address the though stuff. Where I need to feel it all. And process it. And finally do something about it. You know that’s not my way. Or at least it wasn’t my way a year ago. These days I am changing, have you noticed? I hadn’t. Until the conversation about friendships this week. Today when I tell you about this I see so clearly how much I have changed. And it applies to so many different parts of my life. Tomorrow I am going back into teacher training, and I am not nervous. I am actually excited and eager to get back there. And this is me 6th teacher practice, but the first I am not stressed about!
If we were having coffee today I would tell you that my yoga practice are slowly waking up. My arm is still not doing all I want it too, and I am not nearly as flexible as I was. But I am doing it. I am on my mat almost every day. Progress. And I share it again on Instagram, it motivates me to work on my poses. It motivates me to accept my body. The body movement on Instagram about every body being a yoga body is really pushing me.
Even though the skinny, beautiful girls are dominating my Instagram feed, I am slowly finding real people. People with a body in whatever size doing awesome yoga and being a real inspiration. I also follow a few on Snapchat and they are just so real!
I’m even considering to attend yoga class in my town again, but I want my practice at home to be more steady and my arm to be stronger. But a teacher at work is going there, and she encouraged me to attend, so I will do it sometime later this year.
If we were having coffee today I would tell you my eating disorder thoughts are crawling in my mind these days. I am staying as faithful as I can to eating 4-5 times a day. And I now feel fullness and hunger. But when I feel fullness I can’t stop myself if there is more food available. And I don’t like that. I know I need to downsize my portions, because I feel full before my plate is empty. But I don’t know how. I have been doing this size for so long that it just feels impossible. But I am eating only two slices of bread when I have bread instead of my previous four slices, so I know I can. But with dinner it just feels hard. Really hard. So now my thoughts about gaining weight instead of loosing because I can’t manage to downsize my portions have made me think about dropping food and just starve myself a bit. But, I haven’t gotten there, because I know it is wrong. But my mind is having a crazy battle these days. And I am not happy about the body I am currently living in, but now I am wondering if it will be ever possible for me to change my ways. I can’t exercise right now because I know I would push it to hard, push myself and end up not eating. What a catch 22!
If we were having coffee today I would tell you that 2016 has not turned out as I expected it to be so far, it has been two really rough months. In addition time is flying. Next month is my birthday month. I am turning 39. I am not stressed about it, I don’t identify with the number. But I guess that in some ways I am my number too, because today when I watched Yogagirl’s Snapchat from the Envision Festival in Costa Rica I realized that a festival like that is not for me anymore. I would rather take a trip to a quiet place on a beach for a yoga retreat, where I could have a hotel room or bungalow with fresh sheets and towels LOL But I do love to dance, so maybe when I get into the body my soul and mind can connect too I might feel differently 😉 But right now I love my quiet life with teacups, books, candle lights and my internet connection, but I love the memories of sand between my toes, moonlight in my hair, drum and bass rhythms in my soul and love in my heart on a beach in Thailand ❤
I love having coffee with you, it wraps up the week so nicely and sometimes good memories appear too, so many blessings! How has your week been? Did you have a more peaceful week? Or did you feel like crawling under a rock every now and then like me?
Until next time, stay safe and always remember to love yourself ❤
So after pondering a lot about the conversation that happened on Thursday I feel ready to share and maybe even processes the thing even better.
The start of the whole conversation was my stupid fault, I had a thought rant that just ended up being expressed to the wrong person. At least that is how I see it now.
The thought rant was about a spiritual message I had read somewhere on FB, and it was something like this:
“if you want a boyfriend in your life you need to create space for him”
So I said this to the person I was with:
“I have read this spiritual message somewhere and it made me realize that I need to open myself up to love if I ever want a boyfriend: BUT I’m really not ready to share my home with anyone at the moment other than the kids. I don’t really like to have people over either, how can I have room for a boyfriend?” then I laughed.
She just looked at me, so I got uncomfortable, and I kind of stated: ” I might be a bit strange…”
Then she said: “You are very strange and it is not normal to not have people over.”
At this moment I was deep into “fight or flight” mode. This is actually something we work with in therapy, so it was a huge learning moment for me too. I didn’t recognize it as that in the moment, but I see it now.
The conversation about me not being to keen on visitors continued into friendships. And this is a part of that conversation:
“Well I have my dad over and I see him as my dad, supporter and friend. So I am not all alone here. And I have some mums in my kids daycare or class that I really like and hope to create closer bonds with. But it is not easy moving back to a place where everyone never left. I’m not a person that claims people”
Her respond: “your dad is your family, not your friend. He has to be around”.
Luckily I know he doesn’t feel like that, even though she does.
And finally I had to defend myself some more, or try to not sound like a crazy person:
” I have my friend over the last 9 years in Oslo, she will always be there for me”
“it doesn’t count as a friendship when she is living so far away!”
And she said somewhere in the conversation also about me being to old (I’m 39 next month) to create new, significant friendships and how different she was when she had young kids because she always had time for friends.
WELL, I am a single mum with three kids, a student and I work. I really don’t have time! She was a stay at home mum, with her mother in law helping her with her kids!
Not that I care anymore about what she did compared to what I do.
I am proud of my life and what I am accomplishing.
In the end I was lucky enough to have a meeting with my therapist I had to leave for, BUT her word there and then became my reality. And in the car for my 45 minute long drive I added the words to my reality and decided it was time to move away from my hometown. I made a plan. I had it all sorted out when I parked my car. On the way up the stairs to my therapists office I realized I couldn’t move the kids again. I had not added their feelings and love for this place in my plan.
So when my therapist asked me how I felt, I broke down in tears. I couldn’t say anything for 5 whole minutes. And that is a long time crying.
But what happened then, and what happens usually during these situations when I have someone to talk too about negative thoughts regarding myself, is that I can reason. I manage to reason with myself, my feelings and my flight plan.
One year ago I would have fled. With no looking back.
Now I manage to reason. And this is what I finally figured out, this is my truth:
First off all I am N O T to old to create new friends. And I will never be to old.
Secondly I H A V E great friends. And even though my closest friend lives 3 hours away I know she will always be there. And it doesn’t matter that we don’t talk or see each other everyday, the friendship is strong and when the kids have left the nest we will have that time again.
Thirdly I have great friends online and in other countries, friends I have met traveling or friends that I have met through my blog or spiritual practice. These are my friends, and I will never stop thinking about these people as friends. No person in this world can take that away from me, or redefine those friendships.
And lastly I have friends I study with, friends I work with and friends here I live. These friends are growing friendships.
Being an introvert makes it harder for me to just jump into friendships or declare that someone is my friend. But I know that when people ask for my help or advice, and I freely can ask for their advice or help we are friends.
So I might not visit people much, I don’t have visits over much. But it doesn’t make me a strange person with no friends. It makes me just a person who needs her privacy and quiet time. There are kids here all the time in addition to my own kids, I love that and right now that is all the visits I need ❤
In the end I am friend material, and I might even one day consider myself girl friend material too 😉 But right now I am happy with myself and my friends. My life doesn’t lack anything, I am grateful for all the people in my life ❤
My plan was to ramble about my hopeless “am I a friend-material” situation. But instead I spent all my energy on my school assignment! SO now I am just happy that I am done four days before the deadline! So I delivered it before I started to rewrite and stress about it, and tomorrow I start on my English class planning for next week. FIVE weeks of English, so much fun.. hopefully 😛
B U T I am not done with the “friend-material” thoughts, so I will get back to it tomorrow 😉
Had a good chat with my therapist about it, so I definitely have changed my perspective, but I still have many words to say about it 😛
Another great family day!!!! We did yoga together 💜
And spent 2 hours in the community pool together 🏊🏻
Spring break is going very well so far 👍🏻💕
Today we had a good day, despite Leon’s mini breakdown over having a day off daycare 😛 He now knows that Tuesdays are days he can bring his own toys to daycare, so that I had planned it so terrible to give him a day off was hard to forgive! But when he then realized it was only 6 days until the next Tuesday his mood changed!
We took a trip to the library because Lara’s less iPad time has inspired her to be a book worm (just like her mom 😉 ) Two books in 6 days is a new record! And she know how much I love books and she was so proud when she borrowed two new books today and told me she will try to read them before her spring break is over! Reading books has always been a goldmine for my mind, and I am happy she has taken on my love for books ❤
Lily had her second day at handball school and spent the afternoon with her best friend planning their joined birthday party next month.
I also managed to get started on two of my assignments today, hopefully they will be done by Friday so I can spend my weekend reading for my bachelor assignment. Yesterday I was not motivated, but today when I was doing research I figured out a plan that will help me when I am writing my bachelor assignment too! Win-win situation, I love that!
The final thing I am happy for today is the sun!! Today we all rocked sneakers, lighter jackets and sunglasses out in the bright sun, I can truly feel spring coming!!! And I am getting excited about planning some garden stuff this summer! But first I have my bachelor assignment due in May, my 5 exams in May/June, and teacher training next week for 5 weeks and lastly our Spain vacation in June/July on the agenda 😉
At the end of July I can focus on my garden, but it is important to have goals and dreams right?