Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school.  But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle 🙂

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before ❤



So I have been missing in action again! I just don’t grasp time these days! Its flyyyyyying! The weeks are disappearing so fast, I’m literally looking over my Christmas stuff these days lol

Image result for choices memeThen we have all these choices.

How do we even know how to make the right choices?

Some weeks ago I was ready to embark into the jungle of online dating again! Like I didn’t learn my lesson already! But how do you meet anyone when you are alone with young kids? Well online is the answer I keep hearing from “everyone”.

But then I decided to delete the idea and just find peace in being alone. For now at least.

Was it the right choice, or was it fear that took control?

I have no clue, and this is how I resonate with everything these days.

Making choices and then second guessing them. Helping myself to get more confused, that’s all I do.

Image result for second guessing ecardsSo now I am second guessing my education path.


Not that I don’t want to be a teacher, but am I taking the right subjects? Should I delay what I am doing and choose differently?


And then you have the weight loss situation! And the therapy situation! And the kids! And money! And! And! And!

Life is actually just a path of choices. And all we do is accepting choices. We either hit a wall and learn a lesson, or we choose right and experience happiness. So why is it so hard to just accept these parts of life?

Why do I wish over and over that I had no choice? Don’t you think I would have complained if the choices was gone too?

Image result for live in the momentI sure do.
SO! Enough about the whining, time to just enjoy the moment, challenge myself and keep accepting life as it is. NO more second guessing! So I might hit a dump in the road, but that is how I will grow! And that is how I will be a great role model for my kids too ❤





That horrible feeling. Guilt. Even the word is not feeling good in my head. Its a loaded word. A feeling. A feeling and word that describes pain and wrongness.


Do you recognize that feeling? I sure do. I have felt it several times this week, for several different reasons.

First of I came unprepared to my practice school, not only unprepared, but also scared and maybe a little unmotivated. Not sure why, but it feels terrifying at the moment to be out there in a classroom. Being judged for my teaching skills when I haven’t been much around people lately. I’m an introvert And right now I’m loving my cave aka my home.

But I went. And even though it wasn’t the best three days of my life, I did it. I observed and I told my teacher the truth. I told her what I’m personally struggling with and that I’m not close to being as confident as I was two years ago when I had my first practice period. And it got accepted.

So when I left yesterday I felt kind of good. Very happy to be off until Monday, but also kind of looking forward to go back on Monday! And that is a small step in the right direction. So soon I will let go of the guilt of not being prepared and motivated. Coz really I’m blessed to be allowed to do my practice. I have been so back and forth with my studies that I’m no where close to have finished all my work assignments! But I’m getting there. And I know now that being honest about my anxiety and depression is the best path for me. Coz it helps me to stay in there instead of giving up on all my dreams. So I’m not scared anymore, just guilty for being a burden.. But it will hopefully pass!


And then there’s is the other guilty feeling I’m having this week! My therapy lesson that got cancelled a week ago! I still feel guilty for getting depressed about my own session being cancelled because there was an emergency! And today when I’m having a new appointment I’m overly stressed that this appointment also will be cancelled. And that I’m just not deserving any help!

 Its beyond stupid. But the feeling is stuck. So hopefully I will be able to work up some courage to drive out there instead of staying home thinking it will probably get cancelled anyway!

Sometimes my head is my darkest enemy! Maybe time to find my dusty yoga mat, and sit down and do some meditation on it..

At least time to let go of feeling sorry for myself, coz that’s only leading to me feeling guilty! LET IT GO!