So after pondering a lot about the conversation that happened on Thursday I feel ready to share and maybe even processes the thing even better.
The start of the whole conversation was my stupid fault, I had a thought rant that just ended up being expressed to the wrong person. At least that is how I see it now.
The thought rant was about a spiritual message I had read somewhere on FB, and it was something like this:
“if you want a boyfriend in your life you need to create space for him”
So I said this to the person I was with:
“I have read this spiritual message somewhere and it made me realize that I need to open myself up to love if I ever want a boyfriend: BUT I’m really not ready to share my home with anyone at the moment other than the kids. I don’t really like to have people over either, how can I have room for a boyfriend?” then I laughed.
She just looked at me, so I got uncomfortable, and I kind of stated: ” I might be a bit strange…”
Then she said: “You are very strange and it is not normal to not have people over.”
At this moment I was deep into “fight or flight” mode. This is actually something we work with in therapy, so it was a huge learning moment for me too. I didn’t recognize it as that in the moment, but I see it now.
The conversation about me not being to keen on visitors continued into friendships. And this is a part of that conversation:
“Well I have my dad over and I see him as my dad, supporter and friend. So I am not all alone here. And I have some mums in my kids daycare or class that I really like and hope to create closer bonds with. But it is not easy moving back to a place where everyone never left. I’m not a person that claims people”
Her respond: “your dad is your family, not your friend. He has to be around”.
Luckily I know he doesn’t feel like that, even though she does.
And finally I had to defend myself some more, or try to not sound like a crazy person:
” I have my friend over the last 9 years in Oslo, she will always be there for me”
“it doesn’t count as a friendship when she is living so far away!”
And she said somewhere in the conversation also about me being to old (I’m 39 next month) to create new, significant friendships and how different she was when she had young kids because she always had time for friends.
WELL, I am a single mum with three kids, a student and I work. I really don’t have time! She was a stay at home mum, with her mother in law helping her with her kids!
Not that I care anymore about what she did compared to what I do.
I am proud of my life and what I am accomplishing.
In the end I was lucky enough to have a meeting with my therapist I had to leave for, BUT her word there and then became my reality. And in the car for my 45 minute long drive I added the words to my reality and decided it was time to move away from my hometown. I made a plan. I had it all sorted out when I parked my car. On the way up the stairs to my therapists office I realized I couldn’t move the kids again. I had not added their feelings and love for this place in my plan.
So when my therapist asked me how I felt, I broke down in tears. I couldn’t say anything for 5 whole minutes. And that is a long time crying.
But what happened then, and what happens usually during these situations when I have someone to talk too about negative thoughts regarding myself, is that I can reason. I manage to reason with myself, my feelings and my flight plan.
One year ago I would have fled. With no looking back.
Now I manage to reason. And this is what I finally figured out, this is my truth:
First off all I am N O T to old to create new friends. And I will never be to old.
Secondly I H A V E great friends. And even though my closest friend lives 3 hours away I know she will always be there. And it doesn’t matter that we don’t talk or see each other everyday, the friendship is strong and when the kids have left the nest we will have that time again.
Thirdly I have great friends online and in other countries, friends I have met traveling or friends that I have met through my blog or spiritual practice. These are my friends, and I will never stop thinking about these people as friends. No person in this world can take that away from me, or redefine those friendships.
And lastly I have friends I study with, friends I work with and friends here I live. These friends are growing friendships.
Being an introvert makes it harder for me to just jump into friendships or declare that someone is my friend. But I know that when people ask for my help or advice, and I freely can ask for their advice or help we are friends.
So I might not visit people much, I don’t have visits over much. But it doesn’t make me a strange person with no friends. It makes me just a person who needs her privacy and quiet time. There are kids here all the time in addition to my own kids, I love that and right now that is all the visits I need ❤
In the end I am friend material, and I might even one day consider myself girl friend material too 😉 But right now I am happy with myself and my friends. My life doesn’t lack anything, I am grateful for all the people in my life ❤