Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school. Β But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle πŸ™‚

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before ❀

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Old patterns..

I have written about my worst fear before. The fear of my sons school start. The fear of him being the misunderstood. The bully. The punk-ass kid no one likes. The disliked child.

The first 6 weeks went like heaven! The school didn’t understand my worries, because it went so well.

Well, then things turned. In a heartbeat.

Now he is the bully. He needs to be watched to protect another child.

WHAT?

I just don’t understand this. But I am not shrugging it off as an innocent thing either. I don’t understand his actions, and he can not explain them either.

Well, he is six years old.

He is not a demon child out to hurt anyone. He is not being cruel because he likes it. He just don’t understand certain social codes.

So before the fall break I spoke to his school and I had faith in the teacher and student counselor. I still do.

But I don’t have faith in the other child’s parents.

I have not spoken about this case with anyone around me for one single reason.

I LIVE IN A TINY VILLAGE WHERE WORDS TRAVEL FASTER THAN A FART!

And I hold my son responsible for his part in this. And I want to give the school and him a chance to make the changes that is needed for. I give my son a chance to change. I don’t think this is his path to a life as a bully.

But today the other parents show me that they have no intention to see my son as a good child that can change.

They are talking about this case with other parents. So a parent I don’t know posted a message on Facebook in the class group that “someone” is being bullied and we need a meeting to solve this.

The parents need a meeting to solve this.

I just saw the gossip spread, the questions, and the feelings. The hate. The stress.

So in desperation I posted in the same group that I am aware of my sons actions, that we are being guided by the school and that they are doing their best to help both of these boys.

I don’t need a “town-meeting” where people meet up to figure out who this horrible bully of a kid is.

I need grown ups that understand that these kids are 6 years old and need guidance and help. But most of all more love and acceptance.

But my first thought when all this happened?

Well my son wasn’t the only one who went back to his old patterns. I was ready to pack my suitcase, throw the kids in the car and leave that place faster than ever!

But I stayed.

I want to fight for my son. He deserves someone who fights for him. He deserve to be given the chance to change. To understand his own lacks.

He is a good child. A caring and lovable child.

So I am rolling up my sleeves and I am getting ready for the biggest fight of my life!

Accepting his wrong doing, helping him to change and still never stop loving him!

 

 

 

Day 50 of gratitude β›ΉπŸ»

  
Morning yoga, swim class and gymnastics at work makes this a great day πŸ˜ƒ tonight I’m writing my English assignment that is due today with a smile on my face! 

In addition kids have enjoyed another day with new house rules πŸ‘πŸ» now the big test starts, the weekend and my need to rest and have some alone time πŸ™ˆ hopefully it will work out for all of us πŸ˜‰πŸ‘ŒπŸ»πŸ’• 

#everydaygratitude 

Day 47 of gratitude πŸ˜˜

You. I’m grateful for Y O U! And I’m grateful that you read my blog and even share your own experiences as a mother, student, friend, daughter, son, man, lover, or just a human being! Thank Y O U 😘 it truly helps me to heal and feel that my life is not a failure, it helps me when I feel all alone in the world to hear your kind words in a comment or a private message, thank you again for sharing and caring ❀️

Day 43/44/45 of gratitude πŸ˜

I have been so busy that I haven’t found time for myself over the last couple of days! 

Kids have had a busy few days with handball tournament, dance contest and school parties! In addition to work, studies AND therapy I just couldn’t find energy to open up my computer or even phone. 

   
   
So today I was looking forward to have a family day at home. Enjoying some quality time together, maybe even bake a cake since its Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day here in Norway. But instead I’m hiding in my room, feeling like a failure. My 10 year old had an hysterical outrage when she woke up, and have decided that she don’t want to live with me. She would rather live on the street πŸ˜” I know she is just angry, but I don’t understand why. And she don’t want to talk to me so now I’m hiding. 

So what am I grateful for? Well, I will get back to that. This week has been rough, but hopefully I will see the blessings later on… 

Day 28 of gratitude πŸ’‘

I had a little awakening at my therapist today! I realized I had survived two social gatherings and one school gathering without having a meltdown!!! 

I managed to stay centered and balanced in all those three events. And today it dawned on me that I feel more confident and comfortable about myself. 

Change. Such a blessed change. And because of this I know I will manage my body changing when I set my mind to loose weight too! Now I just need to set my mind πŸ’†πŸ»πŸ‘ŠπŸ»

  

Day 22 of gratitude πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘¦

Picking up my kids was the absolut highlight of the day ❀️

Sore body after my fall last night, group work with a presentation at school and a total of 5,5 hour in the car was forgotten in a flash as soon as we cuddled up together at home with a pizza, movie and snacks πŸ•πŸ“Ίβ€οΈ

Day 2 of gratitude ~ 2016 πŸ‘­Β 


Today I have spent my day with Leon. My girls have been out and both got asked to sleep over at their friends house ❀️ so tonight I’m chillaxing in a really quiet house with my little man πŸ‘πŸ»

#everydaygratitude2016