Old patterns..

I have written about my worst fear before. The fear of my sons school start. The fear of him being the misunderstood. The bully. The punk-ass kid no one likes. The disliked child.

The first 6 weeks went like heaven! The school didn’t understand my worries, because it went so well.

Well, then things turned. In a heartbeat.

Now he is the bully. He needs to be watched to protect another child.

WHAT?

I just don’t understand this. But I am not shrugging it off as an innocent thing either. I don’t understand his actions, and he can not explain them either.

Well, he is six years old.

He is not a demon child out to hurt anyone. He is not being cruel because he likes it. He just don’t understand certain social codes.

So before the fall break I spoke to his school and I had faith in the teacher and student counselor. I still do.

But I don’t have faith in the other child’s parents.

I have not spoken about this case with anyone around me for one single reason.

I LIVE IN A TINY VILLAGE WHERE WORDS TRAVEL FASTER THAN A FART!

And I hold my son responsible for his part in this. And I want to give the school and him a chance to make the changes that is needed for. I give my son a chance to change. I don’t think this is his path to a life as a bully.

But today the other parents show me that they have no intention to see my son as a good child that can change.

They are talking about this case with other parents. So a parent I don’t know posted a message on Facebook in the class group that “someone” is being bullied and we need a meeting to solve this.

The parents need a meeting to solve this.

I just saw the gossip spread, the questions, and the feelings. The hate. The stress.

So in desperation I posted in the same group that I am aware of my sons actions, that we are being guided by the school and that they are doing their best to help both of these boys.

I don’t need a “town-meeting” where people meet up to figure out who this horrible bully of a kid is.

I need grown ups that understand that these kids are 6 years old and need guidance and help. But most of all more love and acceptance.

But my first thought when all this happened?

Well my son wasn’t the only one who went back to his old patterns. I was ready to pack my suitcase, throw the kids in the car and leave that place faster than ever!

But I stayed.

I want to fight for my son. He deserves someone who fights for him. He deserve to be given the chance to change. To understand his own lacks.

He is a good child. A caring and lovable child.

So I am rolling up my sleeves and I am getting ready for the biggest fight of my life!

Accepting his wrong doing, helping him to change and still never stop loving him!

 

 

 

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Weekend coffee share ☕️

 

weekendcoffeeshareIf we were having coffee today I would be happy and sad at the same time.

Happy because I have had a great weekend with my kids at home. Sad because I suck at being a student at the moment.

If we were having coffee right now I would tell you that I need to focus on my studies. I have hardly put in an hour on my pedagogical class, and today I just got feedback on my assignment. And I failed. Mostly because I have not been using the right reference in my text. But I also know the text is weak. So now I need to get it done, better. Much better. And it really scares me, since I have my bachelor assignment also. And I haven’t even started. So now I need to focus on school and turn down work. I just can’t do them both. And that’s why last year went so well too. Because I focused on school.

You know I hate this though. But no human is able to do it all, so I just have to do some work, and more school. Prioritize. Tomorrow will be a new path. Tomorrow I will make changes. Yes. And I feel good about it, because I have been worrying about this a lot!

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that I am still feeling hunger most of the time, but I now also feel fullness after a meal!! That’s a new win!! Not after every meal. And not because I am stuffing my face. But on those days I manage to drink enough water and eat regularly I feel full after every meal. Now I just need to make it a habit.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have finally been brave enough in therapy to address my past regarding the sexual abuse and how I let men treat me like an object, and how that leads me to never manage to have an ordinary conversation with men. It is scary! But it feels like this is the missing part of my complete healing. And when this heal, my weight will also be easier to release. It is deeply connected.
I can tell you though that I am moving forward regarding men and everyday conversations. So it is a small step, and I love those small wins! Together they will all be a huge win one day 🙂

If we were having coffee I would tell you that we now have complete skiing gear and that I actually hope for some more snow so I can take the kids out skiing this winter. I have not been on skis since I was a teenager, so it will be very interesting to say the least 😛 But I want the kids to love the outdoors more, so I have to set an example.. At least try to set a good example 😉
So how was your week? Are you exciting about something right now? Or stressed? Would love to hear from you! Have an amazing week, and hopefully I will be back for coffee next week 🙂

Water

last night I broke down in tears.
It was just one of those days where the pain I feel both physically and mentally broke me down.

Lara got invited to a concert that I had planned for a long time to take her to, but since I broke my arm I had to cancel it. So when a friend invited her last-minute, we both got very excited. Making decisions to go to stuff like this is never easy, I always have to weigh the pros and cons connected to my finances too. But this is something that happens once a year in our town, and her classmates where going so I felt the money was worth it. Also knowing the summer will be quite at home, made me want to give her some fun when possible.

Sadly her friend didn’t have fun at the concert, so they left earlier than I had expected. Which also meant Lara came home early. I saw the disappointment in her face. I saw how much she wanted to stay and hated to leave when her friend was bored. And sadly she didn’t bring her phone so she could have asked to stay longer with some other friends. I tried to arrange for her to go back so she could enjoy the rest. But there was no one who could help me.

It became pretty obvious to me that I am lacking people around me. That I have not done enough to have a support system around me. And it scared me. It scared me to see that we are so alone.

I broke down in tears. I cried and I cried and I cried. I felt there was no peace within me. I felt that my inside was like a stormy ocean. I felt like huge waves were crashing inside me. Like it was no ground, that I was falling deeper and deeper. Drowning.

I cried for two hours. Feeling like there was no end to it. That I was made out of water.

During my panic and pain I went to talk to Lara. She told me she had been scared to tell me about the concert because she knew I couldn’t go with my broken arm. I told her that if she had told me earlier in the week that she still wanted to go without me, I could have reach out to someone else who were planning to stay the whole evening. She told me she didn’t blame me, and that she loved me no matter what.

She is so brave, she is so strong, she is doing so much to help me feel good about this whole situation. So I need to find some of that strength too.

I need to be strong and brave for them too!

So despite a lot of pain in my arm I feel a bit better today. I made a deal with Lara that I will not feel bad about not being able to do much this summer. And she will be better at telling me in advance so I can plan if there is something she really wants to participate at. And as soon as my arm is good we will take some time off school and go for a trip, just us 4. A family trip to create some great memories.

It is so hard some days to be the strong one, but my kids are really teaching me that we don’t need to be perfect. We just need to do the best we can do.

And she reminded me last night that this is not my fault, this was an accident and there’s no one to blame and she is not blaming me either. Therefore I should stop blaming me too!

I am so loved. Even though I don’t have a lot of  people around me, my kids give me the deepest love ever given to me.

So I am made out of water, I have tears, but I also have love, joy and strength ❤️

Mentalizing

Mentalizing is a huge part of my therapy.

It was a brand new word for me when I first heard it in therapy this spring.

And strangely now it is occupying my mind almost every day.

Am I mentalizing? Am I putting my feelings into this persons behavior? Am I overreacting?

So what is this “mentalizing”?

I am not sure I understand it completely yet either.

And its okay, since its something I am going to learn more about through therapy in the fall.

But as many of you already know, I can’t wait.

So I need to educate myself NOW.

Here is something I found on this page.

Understanding Mentalizing

Mentalizing refers to the spontaneous sense we have of ourselves and others as persons whose actions are based on mental states: desires, needs, feelings, reasons, beliefs and the like.

Normally, when we interact with others, we automatically go beneath the surface, basing our responses on a sense of what underlies the other person’s behavior, namely, an active mind and a wealth of mental experience.

Thus we are natural mind readers, and mentalizing entails accurate and effective mind reading. By virtue of being human, this process of mentalizing comes so naturally to us that we easily overlook its significance.

To understand psychiatric treatment; however, we must pay careful attention to mentalizing and the conditions under which this basic human capacity becomes impaired.

We mentalize in relationships with other persons, not in interactions with inanimate objects.

So now when I have a conflict or judge someone because of what they said or did I wonder if I am wrong.

Maybe I perceive it all wrong?

So I will have to keep on educating myself.

And by no means will I just let myself go as the crazy one just because I feel a certain way.

I will still listen to my feelings and thoughts, but I am trying to take a step back in some situations to see if I have been putting my own emotions over on the other persons actions.

And like everything else in therapy, small steps are my path.

And this also has a strong connection to attachments:

The single most important factor in fostering mentalizing is a secure attachment relationship—a close emotional bond.

(found on the same page as mentioned before).

So my work with my therapist is necessary for me to create that bond, before we dive deep into the mentalizing work in the fall.

What is strange to me is this feeling of need of a strong attachment.

Coz through my whole spiritual journey I have always learned that I should detach from everything around me to find enlightenment.

So I need to investigate the difference between secure attachments and no attachments spiritually.

That quote is the way I have lived my adult life.

And now I need to train my brain into accepting attachments.

Not sure if its possible.

Really not sure.

being present

So its been some days.

Life happened I guess.

In a good way, mostly.

Been having a quiet Easter this year.

Been spending some days with friends, but mostly only me and the kids.

Just how I love it.

Been thinking a lot about how much life changes.

Not only by my own actions, but so much by others too.

Like my kids.

And my mum.

My mum separated from her boyfriend some weeks ago.

And she has been a wreck.

She tried to reach out to me, but I just had to stay away from it all.

I can’t be her go-to-person when life kicks her around.

She doesn’t have any foundation in life.

And I can not be it.

She need to find her own strength.

So my uncle died as mentioned before.

And it did not make things any better.

Again she called out to me.

But I had again to choose to stay away.

Her focus is her own hurt.

Her own loss.

And she was so lost on pills and her own sadness that she made no sense to my brother or sister.

SO I had to stay away.

I could not enter her darkness.

I truly believe she need professional help.

I truly believe she needs to be admitted.

And not for a 24 hour emergency thing.

She need to stay for as long as it will take for her to get her head on place.

And honestly it will take a lot.

She has always been emotionally unstable.

She has always been the victim.

And we, her kids, her ex, her parents, everyone around her is the cause of it.

Everyone.

She has no blame.

No responsibility.

In her mind.

Not in mine.

I am done being blamed about her bad choices.

I am here.

I am now.

I never forced her to leave me.

I was 4 years old.

And I am here.

I am now 38 years old.

I choose to stay out of her life.

I am an adult that knows what is best for me.

I am choosing me.

And you know what, so did she back then.

She choose herself.

And now she regrets it.

But that’s life.

Her ex-boyfriend came back when my uncle died.

I got sad for him.

But they are trying to figure things out.

And he wanted to get my perspective on it.

He wanted to hear my story.

My view on the relationship with my mum.

I told him he could get it.

Then I changed my mind.

Coz really what has the relationship between me and my mum have to do with their relationship?

He is a good man.

And he deserves a good life.

I was actually happy when he chose to move to another town, the town where his kids lives.

I am not sure he can get a good life with my mum.

I am not sure she will ever have a good life.

She keeps choosing pain.

So I told him I couldn’t have that talk with him.

And I wrote a short message about some of the fuck ups between my mum and me and why I feel like I do.

I wont be diving into it with him.

My 9-year-old said this the other day:

“Why does grandma always make herself so sad? Why does she always make herself cry?”

My 9-year-old has observed what I have seen my whole life.

She makes herself sad.

She makes herself cry.

Some day I will write my life story.

It might even happen here on my blog.

One day, when I am ready.

I don’t remember much from my early childhood.

It’s not much I remember of my mum.

She was never really present.

I have absolutely no memory of her living with us.

I remember my great-grandmother better than my mum.

At one point in my life I also chose to call my step mum “mummy”.

I chose so.

My grandmother and mum thinks she forced me.

But I chose to.

I will have to live with my choice.

Like I do with all the choices I have made so far in my life.

And I will.

I have no regrets.

I am here now.

I am present.

I make my choices out of love for myself.

And my kids.

I am here.