Have a great week ❣
There is a block emerging in me sometimes. A writing block. A block that hinders my feelings. A block that stops my thoughts. A block that stops the will of living. A block. A block in so many different shapes, colors and situations.
And sometimes the block is good for me. It stops impulsive behavior that I don’t need. And sometimes its just not good. It brings me down, into the darkness. Coz there is no way around it, and there is no crack to crawl through it. It’s just there, the block, or several blocks. And they are created by my mind and by the life around me. SO some of them I can control others I can not. And sometimes I wish they could just take over. Just surround me and let me submerge into the darkness. But in that moment I see the crack. Or a block is being removed. And there the opening is. The opening to get pass the block wall. Or you can just see that the block is tiny, it was never a hinder. It was just there to make you scared. Or to make you stop. And think.
My grand-aunt is still in the hospital. And she is not getting any better. Now she is in a medical coma of some sorts, breathing through a respirator. And hopefully they will get control over the bleeding in her liver. She was transported back to the hospital in Oslo yesterday. It feels hard to have her so far away. And my dad even further away. He is in Spain. And on Monday he will be leaving for Chile. So I will be all alone if something horrible will happen to her. And I’m doing my best to stay strong. But it takes away my focus from everything else. I’m behind the block, the wall of blocks. And all I can see and feel is the blocks. But I need to regain control over the rest of my life. The life that is happening right now as I am struggling with this fear and sadness.
Coz life is happening, and it’s happening despite the blocks. Its crawling out. Like the flower in the cement on the picture. And I need to grab it and enjoy it. My grand-aunt would have wanted that. I know she would. And as long as she is in good care at the hospital I should feel safe. And I do go and see her as often as I can. And I do get feedback from the hospital every day. It’s just hard to think about how lonely she must be when I am not there. And I think it makes me scared of my own future. And I hope that if I am ever in the hospital in my old age I would have love ones around to support and love me.
So my blocks should really be stepping-stones instead. Coz when I think about it they help me move further along. They help me heal, they help me grow, they help me evolve. So I am no longer afraid of my blocks. When they bring the darkness I will now see them as steps out of it, towards the light. The love.
I care deeply for my grand-aunt there is no wrong in that. And yes some of my life at the moment is getting on the back burner because I care deeply. But I should be okay with that, love is never wrong.
So I will keep loving and caring. And I will keep fighting through whatever block, block walls or darkness that comes for me, I have learned now that this is healing and my path. My path is love through darkness.