Choices!

So I have been missing in action again! I just don’t grasp time these days! Its flyyyyyying! The weeks are disappearing so fast, I’m literally looking over my Christmas stuff these days lol

Image result for choices memeThen we have all these choices.

How do we even know how to make the right choices?

Some weeks ago I was ready to embark into the jungle of online dating again! Like I didn’t learn my lesson already! But how do you meet anyone when you are alone with young kids? Well online is the answer I keep hearing from “everyone”.

But then I decided to delete the idea and just find peace in being alone. For now at least.

Was it the right choice, or was it fear that took control?

I have no clue, and this is how I resonate with everything these days.

Making choices and then second guessing them. Helping myself to get more confused, that’s all I do.

Image result for second guessing ecardsSo now I am second guessing my education path.

Again!

Not that I don’t want to be a teacher, but am I taking the right subjects? Should I delay what I am doing and choose differently?

OMG!

And then you have the weight loss situation! And the therapy situation! And the kids! And money! And! And! And!

Life is actually just a path of choices. And all we do is accepting choices. We either hit a wall and learn a lesson, or we choose right and experience happiness. So why is it so hard to just accept these parts of life?

Why do I wish over and over that I had no choice? Don’t you think I would have complained if the choices was gone too?

Image result for live in the momentI sure do.
SO! Enough about the whining, time to just enjoy the moment, challenge myself and keep accepting life as it is. NO more second guessing! So I might hit a dump in the road, but that is how I will grow! And that is how I will be a great role model for my kids too ❤

 

 

 

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Old patterns..

I have written about my worst fear before. The fear of my sons school start. The fear of him being the misunderstood. The bully. The punk-ass kid no one likes. The disliked child.

The first 6 weeks went like heaven! The school didn’t understand my worries, because it went so well.

Well, then things turned. In a heartbeat.

Now he is the bully. He needs to be watched to protect another child.

WHAT?

I just don’t understand this. But I am not shrugging it off as an innocent thing either. I don’t understand his actions, and he can not explain them either.

Well, he is six years old.

He is not a demon child out to hurt anyone. He is not being cruel because he likes it. He just don’t understand certain social codes.

So before the fall break I spoke to his school and I had faith in the teacher and student counselor. I still do.

But I don’t have faith in the other child’s parents.

I have not spoken about this case with anyone around me for one single reason.

I LIVE IN A TINY VILLAGE WHERE WORDS TRAVEL FASTER THAN A FART!

And I hold my son responsible for his part in this. And I want to give the school and him a chance to make the changes that is needed for. I give my son a chance to change. I don’t think this is his path to a life as a bully.

But today the other parents show me that they have no intention to see my son as a good child that can change.

They are talking about this case with other parents. So a parent I don’t know posted a message on Facebook in the class group that “someone” is being bullied and we need a meeting to solve this.

The parents need a meeting to solve this.

I just saw the gossip spread, the questions, and the feelings. The hate. The stress.

So in desperation I posted in the same group that I am aware of my sons actions, that we are being guided by the school and that they are doing their best to help both of these boys.

I don’t need a “town-meeting” where people meet up to figure out who this horrible bully of a kid is.

I need grown ups that understand that these kids are 6 years old and need guidance and help. But most of all more love and acceptance.

But my first thought when all this happened?

Well my son wasn’t the only one who went back to his old patterns. I was ready to pack my suitcase, throw the kids in the car and leave that place faster than ever!

But I stayed.

I want to fight for my son. He deserves someone who fights for him. He deserve to be given the chance to change. To understand his own lacks.

He is a good child. A caring and lovable child.

So I am rolling up my sleeves and I am getting ready for the biggest fight of my life!

Accepting his wrong doing, helping him to change and still never stop loving him!

 

 

 

Change 👌🏻

The other day I was going through my profile pictures on Facebook, because I realized I still had pictures of my ex there!!! As I was deleting them I realized that my life was looking back at me through my selfies! And I was fascinated about what I saw. How much I have changed, and how strange I look in some pictures.

So I decided to share some here, and also share the life I lived at the moment of the picture. Because I believe change is necessary to have a good life. And my pictures show me at good times, but also during really really trying and hard times.

 

This is me in the fall of 2007. In this moment I was a mother of one and I had no self esteem at all! I felt fat, alone and like a failure. The only thing I felt I managed at this moment was being a mom. And that is not a little thing. Looking back today I see myself in another light. And I wish I could tell this girl that she is enough and that she should be proud of how far she had come at that time. I wish I could hug her and let her know she could find security in herself not a man.

 

This is me around a year later, the fall of 2008. I was in love. I was pregnant with my second child. And I was alone. I had convinced myself that he loved me and that we were ready for a child. In retrospect, I was the only one ready. I don’t regret my child. But I wish I could have told myself that everything would be okay and that I wasn’t expected to fight all alone for something two people needed to fight for.

 

 

This is another year gone by. The late fall of 2009. So tired, but somewhere in there I felt some kind of happiness too. I had my two daughters. And I had fought so hard to get my love back. We were a family again. I believed in us. I believed my love was strong enough for all of us. I believed we could conquer the world with my strength. And I was pregnant again, with a love child. At least that was what it felt like in that moment of time. Weeks later he betrayed this woman, he cheated and lied. Still she took him back. Could I have told this woman to do things differently? Not at all. I was not open for that. I was consumed in what I believed I needed. To be loved, but most of all to love.

 

Winter of 2010. Alone again. This time with three kids. This was the third time he left us during the 3 years we had shared. And every time he left for several months. This time I never believed he would get back to us. But I was open to take him back. My feelings was brushed under layers of layers of need to be loved. This is a year after he cheated on me, and betrayed me. I was still ready to love him, to sacrifice everything for him. All I see is a tired woman. This woman could have listened to me. This woman had accepted another solution than the one that she later chose..

 

Fall 2011. She took her power back, but first she took him back. She realized she didn’t love him anymore. Sleeping with him made her sick and upset. She couldn’t even look at him in the end. So this woman found her strength. She knew she couldn’t get him to leave, he only left when he wanted to. So she tricked him. As soon as he was out of the appartment she turned her back on him. She was done. When this picture was taken he had just moved out. Her eyes are scared, but also relived. I would go back now and let her know she did everything right. For her and the kids.

 

Fall 2012. She had found happiness in her life again. And this time not through a man. But just by living and working and being a mom. She had understood that the greatest way to change her life was to put herself first. To do something that enriches her life and the kids. She was secure all by herself. And she had fought off some demons to let him get back in her life. She felt free of the relationship for the first time. And she had found a purpose in herself, she had now started her teacher studies. She had a very positive outlook on the future.

Fall 2013. This woman is about to take on a job that will drain her. She is already tired, and feeling lonely. But she is trying to hide it and find energy in the people that cheer her on. She believes it is important to make the changes, she thinks she can do it alone. She wants to make a difference. Her choices are made with her heart, not a balanced mind. If I could go back to her I would have told her to take more time to choose. To see the whole picture, and to let her know that she was good enough where she was and that her the job was not the solution to her loneliness….


Winter 2014. A tired woman dealing with depression and eating-disorder. But also a strong woman who had checked into therapy, because she knew it was what she needed. She wanted to heal, she wanted change. And in the middle of all of this she was the best mother she could be. Her anchor in her healing process was being a mom. Without it she would not have had a direction to go.

 

Fall 2015. Finally is the smile in her eyes coming back. Her passion in her life, teaching is now a huge part of her life. She has after a year finally settled down in her hometown, left the city life behind. She is calm on the inside when she needs too, and she is letting her emotions out when she need too. She is seeking balance, not food. She knows that she can create the future she deserve. She is learning to live again.

Fall 2016. This is me now, 9 years later. So much has happened, more than these few words can describe! But finally I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m healthier than I have been in years! On the outside and the inside! I have recently lost 17 kilos (37,5 pounds) and I’m ready to loose the next 23 kg too! I’m living a life free of drama. I have cut people out of my life because I needed to. I have my studies, and next year I will be an educated teacher! My kids are thriving and living happy lives. We are still only an unit of four, but it is perfect for us. Right now I am not ready to change that.  I hope I can bring this experience with me and be the strong woman I want to be. But one thing I have accepted is that I know life will change again, but I am determined to bring my smile and fire with me along the way ❤

 

#ThrowBackThursday

Yoga in Spain in June/July this summer was amazing! The kids even asked me if they could do some poses around the neighborhood we lived 😉

I hope we are able to go back next summer!

And it is fun to see how much my body has changed since then! Its only been 2,5 months, but I see the difference!

I will write more in a separate blog post about what I have done to change my appearance so much over the last 6 months, not only on the outside, but mostly on the inside ❤ Healing happens when you least expect it ❤

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#WeekendCoffeeShare

weekendcoffeeshare

If we were having coffee today you would see how unbalanced I am at the moment. Having contact with my mom over the previous week has given me stress and rage.


Yesterday we were supposed to meet my grandmother and grandfather for dinner to celebrate their 65 years of marriage. My uncles, aunts and cousins was there too. Sadly my grandfather was sick so he couldn’t come. And since February, when my grandmother yelled at me, me and her haven’t really been close so it was because of him I was there.

To say it was awkward is an under statement.

On top of that my mom has been the organizer through a Facebook group. And I blocked her from my Facebook several years ago when she was posting stupid comments on everything I posted, so obviously she had lots to say about me not getting the information on her Facebook group. Most of all how horrible I am that won’t add her on Facebook.

Hopefully by now your coffee is not shocking you with all the stupid drama!
I would also tell you during our coffee that the food she had ordered was horrible and not worth the money I had to pay for it. And the gift she had collected money for was for my grandmother and not for my grandfather.

I would also tell you that it was amazing to see my aunts and uncles again and my cousins and it really reminds me that I need to stay more in touch
with them. And like someone in my family said yesterday; You don’t pick your family Maria, and we understand your feelings regarding your mum, but we still love you and want you in our life no matter how you feel about your mum.
I would also tell you that some weeks ago my mom had promised my kids to go back home with them and spend some days during their fall break. So when she picked up the kids today 40 minutes late she announced that she had the flu!

To say that I got upset is an understatement again! I seriously got so upset that I had to say goodbye to the kids before they were leaving, before they were even in the car, and just go inside the house and lock the door. My nightmare is that they now and get sick during my important run up for my exams! I almost canceled the whole trip! But I saw tears in my oldest eyes so I just had to breathe and go inside with a smile.
The kids should not be let down by her again. So this will be the last time I arrange anything for her with them.

I’m so sorry our coffee is so upsetting and stressful. My life at the moment is really calm when it comes to work studies and my kids and me. And it’s very obvious to me that when I eliminate her from my life I’m peaceful.

I think by now I would be on my 3rd cup of coffee, and also starting to relax. And I would tell you that I went to the hospital on Wednesday this last week. To attack my weight problem. And I had some issues with my blood work I need to follow-up on. But nothing seriously like diabetes. Also we talked about food and surgery. But I’m not doing surgery right now, because I had lost 11 pounds.

And really I have lost them without doing much. So I’m going to see the food therapist and a food planner so we can make a plan. And if it hasn’t helped me within six months we will apply for surgery. It feels very right, like this is the right approach right now. I’m not rushing for surgery anymore, I’m also focusing more on just being healthy and not skinny.
I would think we would be on cup eight now so I would tell you how much I love the fall weather we have right now. But also how much I’m looking forward to Halloween this month because they’re having a really good event for the kids in this town. And overall life is calm, life is good.

Oh! And lastly I would tell you my English class is so much fun, but I’m struggling to get everything done with one arm, even though I’m getting better it’s going VERY slowly!! But I’m not giving up, I will just have to use a bit more time than I anticipated 😉

If we were having our 9th cup of coffee by now I would say; What about you? How is life treating you?

Coffee-hangout-Saturday 🍁☕️

If we were having coffee today you would find me at home with wool socks and a blanket. And I would probably have a coffee even though it’s been two months since my last cup, because then I could add a dash of Bailey’s to it. I’m frozen.
It’s still August which is still a summer month in Norway but it feels like freaking full just before winter arrives. And it’s not really that it’s so cold it’s just that it’s not been hot. And it is cold enough to consider putting on the heater in the house. And I might be brewing on a cold.
But most of all I wouldn’t complain to much about the weather when I see you. I would really enjoy your company and I would tell you that bitching about the weather is stupid because I actually like the fall when it’s here.

I would tell you how much I like to fire up the fireplace, burn candles, see the colors change outside, read my books and just enjoy the darkness every night. That’s my favorite part about the fall: the dark evenings.

And as you know I’m pretty scared of the dark, I don’t go outside in the dark but I enjoy sitting inside and looking through the window if I feel safe at the place I’m in.

I know you think I’m weird, but that’s just how I am and I’m not ashamed of it.
I would also tell you that I’m pretty proud of myself today. Because this previous week I made a choice regarding my studies with only myself and my own needs in mind. I can’t even remember last time I only thought about myself before I made a decision. And my English lecture on Tuesday was amazing! And I’m really looking forward to go to class on Monday and Tuesday, where I get to meet my fellow students and my teachers! My social anxiety will go through the roof, but it will be worth it!

I keep thinking about my depression and me pushing therapy further away. And the fear is still pretty raw, but I made an appointment with my therapist for the week after next. And I do believe that individual therapy is what I need right now and she also told me that my education should go before group therapy right now. She didn’t really explain why she felt that way, but I guess my enthusiasm towards my studies is why she feel that way. But I’m not sure. And I’m not going to worry about it.

And like every time we meet just before you leave I will tell you that I’m really stressed about the parent/school meetings next week! I have to speak in front of the group and I really hate it. And it’s also on Monday when I’m already pushing my social boundaries. But I’m going to make it. I’m not going to sneak out of it. I promise you.
Until next time stay safe 🍁

pst. could you also recommend a book for my dark cozy evenings? my last books was The Mortal Instruments series…

Small change in the corner of my blog university ;)

I have this page on FB that is related to my spiritual side.

It has not been a lot happening there recently, but as my yoga journey is developing so is my inspiration.

So instead of having a page for this blog and my spiritual side I am now joining them together.

On my spiritual page; Whitelily’s corner of Light, I used to offer readings and distant healing, as well as inspirational and uplifting posts that I loved to create.

I feel the urge to make some of these again, and maybe also share some healing, so it just makes sense to add my blog and that page together.

So if you wonder where the Whitelily name comes from it’s a name I got through a channeled reading many years ago. And it has always stuck with me ❤