Frustration!

So I have this urge to write, but there is so little time! There have been many years since life was as busy as it is right now, and some days I wonder if I really like it like this… Some days I don’t even know what the day is or how to get through everything I have to do!

Image result for burning my candle at both endsAnd in some ways I know if I stay on this track I will hit that horrible dark spot again, the one I have stayed clear from for over 2 years now. It’s not like I feel it coming, but I just know that if I keep burning my candle at both ends it will happen. So how does anyone find the balance between excitement and relaxation? The balance between giving and receiving? The balance to live happily in high speed and slowing down when needed?

I definitely don’t have the answers yet! But I know that I have taken some small steps to change my environment to help me find the balance. This last weekend I changed out my yoga space in my bedroom with an office space. Because honestly, I never did yoga in my bedroom after I created a yoga space in the living room. Image result for easelAnd who needs TWO yoga spots in one house LOL ๐Ÿ˜‰
So now its22.41 pm and I’m not crawled up in bed yet, I am sitting in my office space and writing. And it feels great to have this time by myself. To do what I love! Because before I got this space I went to bed when the kids did around 9 pm and watched movies and just slept. My office space was then in the hallway and I made to much noise for the kids to sleep and I felt uninspired sitting alone in a long dark hallway. Now I have my stuff all around me and I can light candles and incense sticks and just enjoy writing, or even paint if I feel like it ๐Ÿ™‚ All I want from Santa now is an easel, that would make my personal space even more fun!!

So hopefully I will be around more, and I am also looking forward to writing more about my inner journey over the last 6 months. It has been a lot of changes, and I feel ready to share some of it soon โค And hopefully I will be able to start sharing on the Survivers blog too soon โค

See you around soon!

 

 

Advertisements

Day 59 of gratitude ๐Ÿ“

Some days the teacher professionย feels like a dream far far away! But since Thursday when I finished my latest assignment things have felt more real, I dare to dream about finish this education next spring.

And yesterday and today I have planned my English classes for the next five weeks. I have a lot more to do, but I have the rough plan, and this upcoming week sorted out. And now I am super excited about the response from the kids, fingers crossed that it will be okay!

 

Day 56 of gratitude!

My plan was to ramble about my hopeless “am I a friend-material”ย situation. But instead I spent all my energy on my school assignment! SO now I am just happy that I am done four days before the deadline! So I delivered it before I started to rewrite and stress about it, and tomorrow I start on my English class planning for next week. FIVE weeks of English, so much fun.. hopefully ๐Ÿ˜›

B U T I am not done with the “friend-material” thoughts, so I will get back to it tomorrow ๐Ÿ˜‰

Had a good chat with my therapist about it, so I definitely have changed my perspective, but I still have many ย words to say about it ๐Ÿ˜›

Day 54 of gratitude ๐Ÿ’•

#motherhood

Today we had a good day, despite Leon’s mini breakdown over having a day off daycare ๐Ÿ˜› He now knows that Tuesdays are days he can bring his own toys to daycare, so that I had planned it so terrible to give him a day off was hard to forgive! But when he then realized it was only 6 days until the next Tuesday his mood changed!

We took a trip to the library because Lara’s less iPad time has inspired her to be a book worm (just like her mom ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) Two books in 6 days is a new record! And she know how much I love books and she was so proud when she borrowed two new books today and told me she will try to read them before her spring break is over! Reading books has always been a goldmine for my mind, and I am happy she has taken onย my love for books โค

Lily had her second day at handball school and spent the afternoon with her best friend planning their joined birthday party next month.

I also managed to get started on two of my assignments today, hopefully they will be done by Friday so I can spend my weekend reading for my bachelor assignment. Yesterday I was not motivated, but today when I was doing research I figured out a plan that will help me when I am writing my bachelor assignment too! Win-win situation, I love that!

The final thing I am happy for today is the sun!! Today we all rocked sneakers, lighter jackets and sunglasses out in the bright sun, I can truly feel spring coming!!! And I am getting excited about planning some garden stuff this summer! But first I have my bachelor assignment due in May, my 5 exams in May/June, and teacher training next week for 5 weeks and lastly our Spain vacation in June/July on the agenda ๐Ÿ˜‰

At the end of July I can focus on my garden, but it is important to have goals and dreams right?

Weekend coffee share โ˜•๏ธ

 

weekendcoffeeshareIf we were having coffee today I would be happy and sad at the same time.

Happy because I have had a great weekend with my kids at home. Sad because I suck at being a student at the moment.

If we were having coffee right now I would tell you that I need to focus on my studies. I have hardly put in an hour on my pedagogical class, and today I just got feedback on my assignment. And I failed. Mostly because I have not been using the right reference in my text. But I also know the text is weak. So now I need to get it done, better. Much better. And it really scares me, since I have my bachelor assignment also. And I haven’t even started. So now I need to focus on school and turn down work. I just can’t do them both. And that’s why last year went so well too. Because I focused on school.

You know I hate this though. But no human is able to do it all, so I just have to do some work, and more school. Prioritize. Tomorrow will be a new path. Tomorrow I will make changes. Yes. And I feel good about it, because I have been worrying about this a lot!

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that I am still feeling hunger most of the time, but I now also feel fullness after a meal!! That’s a new win!! Not after every meal. And not because I am stuffing my face. But on those days I manage to drink enough water and eat regularly I feel full after every meal. Now I just need to make it a habit.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have finally been brave enough in therapy to address my past regarding the sexual abuse and how I let men treat me like an object, and how that leads me to never manage to have an ordinary conversation with men. It is scary! But it feels like this is the missing part of my complete healing. And when this heal, my weight will also be easier to release. It is deeply connected.
I can tell you though that I am moving forward regarding men and everyday conversations. So it is a small step, and I love those small wins! Together they will all be a huge win one day ๐Ÿ™‚

If we were having coffee I would tell you that we now have complete skiing gear and that I actually hope for some more snow so I can take the kids out skiing this winter. I have not been on skis since I was a teenager, so it will be very interesting to say the least ๐Ÿ˜› But I want the kids to love the outdoors more, so I have to set an example.. At least try to set a good example ๐Ÿ˜‰
So how was your week? Are you exciting about something right now? Or stressed? Would love to hear from you! Have an amazing week, and hopefully I will be back for coffee next week ๐Ÿ™‚

Day 36 & 37 of gratitude ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป

Went to bed really early again last night so forgot to post my daily gratitude post. Not really sure why I have been so tired this week, but have just been needing a lot of sleep. I guess going back to work after many weeks at home had something to do with it too ๐Ÿ˜‰ In addition group therapy AND individual therapy in one week is pretty exhausting!

After individual therapy yesterday I figured out that group therapy is okay right now. Even though the first time wasn’t great, I learned that I have moved passed some issues I didn’t even think about until yesterday. Among those are communicating with men without feeling stressed and also being able to not talk to much about myself in social gatherings because I’m nervous. Now I manage to stay quiet and happy ๐Ÿ™‚ So at the end of April I will hopefully know if this was enough or if I need some more therapy. I’m currently leaning towards finishing it off, but time will tell I guess.

Today we had planned to go out skiing, but since it’s raining ๐Ÿ˜ฆ we had to cancel it. So instead I decided to clear out the messy room we had in the basement. It was packed from top to bottom with junk! But I desperately needed a cozy place to have the Nintendo Wii, as my living room has been a Super Mario zone for several weeks now and my mind needed a break ๐Ÿ˜‰ So now the basement is set for gaming and the kids are super happy. And I can enjoy my living room with the fireplace and candle lights again. YEY!

Lastly I had to confront another issue today! My pedagogical class has been stressful to me because I don’t enjoy group work that much. And last year I got a pass on the group work. But my teacher this year doesn’t want to understand my anxiety and is just pushing me hard. So hard that I have several times over the last month thought about ending my education. But when I get close to canceling I manage to take a breath and not give up. So when she wrote me again yesterday and felt upset about me not participating in group work I decided to just try to reach out to my class mates. We have only one lecture left, so I will do my best. So now I can join another group next Friday. And I will not eat my way through my anxiety, but I will stress and feel horrible. But I am going to let myself feel it all, and hopefully it will pass. And hopefully she will let her worries be too. Because when I have to work together with coworkers I never get this stressed. SO I know I can handle the occupation. I know I will be a good teacher, despite hating group work as a student!

So overall my gratitude over the last couple of days are towards myself. My strength to move passed obstacles even when it gets stressful, and that we have this perfect home that gives us all stability and comfort.

#everydaygratitude

Day 35 of gratitude โ˜€๏ธ

ย Today was such a great day! I had group therapy and then I was blessed enough to go to work! And we stayed out in the snow and sun for over three hours! We made a campfire and I sneaked in some snow yoga ๐Ÿ™‚ It was the perfect way for me to process the group therapy. Group therapyย went well, but I just didn’t feel it. I am not sure what that means, but I will absolutely discuss it with my therapist tomorrow. And you will probably hear more about it when I have processed it some more.. So sunshine, snow, work AND yoga, really hope for more days like this โค #everydaygratitude

Day 32 of gratitude!

Today has been so busy! So I am posting this as I am going to bed, veryย aware of the weekly guidance that should have been done today… I will not beat myself over that, and get it done tomorrow โค Today was a great work day, F O U R classes of English just makes a dream day for me ๐Ÿ˜‰ Tomorrow I am teaching English again!! SO happy about that. In addition my dad arrived safely in Chile and my brother hung out with the kids as I attended a parent-teacher meeting.

Grateful for this life we are living at the moment, and all the change I have experienced after I moved her in 2014 โค And grateful that a new fresh month is upon us, lets make this a great month!

#welcomeFebruary #everydagratitude2016

Day 21 of gratitude ๐Ÿค“

Today was a day I have been worrying about! Group work and presentation at school! And on top of that I had pushed myself to attend the social gathering afterwards since my kids are at their grandmas house. 

It all went well!! 

Beyond my imagination actually. I even had some awesome conversations with several people!! Truly a great day both as a student and as a person. It was amazing to just be me and feel relaxed among people I don’t know well, but got to know better tonight. 

But my luck turned on me ๐Ÿ˜œ when I wanted to sneak out quietly I fell! And not just a small little ups! No one saw me fall down… No I had to do it better ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ so I missed a step, fell flat on the floor, with a chair on top of me and my previous broken arm under me ๐Ÿ™ˆ I tried to get up fast, but it was impossible! Lucky for me my new friends supported me, even hugged me and made me sit down until I felt okay to drive. I had only been drinking water, so it was pure clumsiness on my own behalf! Normally I would have ran out of there, but tonight I stayed. I trusted them. And they didn’t laugh, they just cared for me. 

I finally drove home, my arm is okay, but a bit swollen. I am now safe in bed and hope my body will not be sore when I wake up in the morning for another day of school. 

Today I’m grateful I trusted people around me, grateful I dared to push myself outside my comfort zone. And honestly my pride is not hurt by my stupid fall. I’m clumsy, it’s just another part of me I’m no longer ashamed off ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿปโ˜บ๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ 

 

Day 18 and 19 of gratitude!

UPS! I had written my gratitude post late last night, but then I had only saved it and not published it! So I am combining it with today’s gratitude post since they are similar in topic ๐Ÿ˜‰

Yesterday I had an awesome conversation with my practice teacher about English and how important it is to teach English better in the Norwegian school system. She is teaching English but doesn’t have the education to do so. And many teachers like her exist in Norwegian schools. SO when the government in Norway decided that teachers need to be educated in English to teach it there was a huge protest among the teachers who had been teaching English for years!! And I understand that they do feel competent enough to teach English, but on the other hand, I have observed some of these teachers and in MY personal view they really teach more Norwegian than English. This is a hot topic though in Norway right now. SO when my practice teacher wanted to discuss where she could possibly study English I got super excited! Coz she is a current English teacher that is teaching English in a good way, and I get so happy when teachers still can acknowledge that they could need more updated education or information! SO we had a great discussion, and I am really looking forward to learning more from her this spring ๐Ÿ™‚

This is a hot topic though in Norway right now. SO when my practice teacher wanted to discuss where she could possibly study English I got super excited! Coz she is a current English teacher that is teaching English in a good way, and I get so happy when teachers still can acknowledge that they could need more updated education or information! SO we had a great discussion, and I am really looking forward to learning more from her this spring ๐Ÿ™‚

And today my favorite English teacher is having our lecture! I was so sad when she announced before Christmas that she wouldn’t be around this semester. But change came! And I love change! Coz now she is back, which I am deeply grateful for.

So English is my everyday gratitude over the last couple of days! And in addition, English makes it possible for me to write my blog and connected with all you like-minded people all around the world! That gives me an even deeper level of gratitude โค