Staying in the light!

It is November! And I am not down in the darkness!! It has been a yearly happening over the last 5-6 years, “October-darkness”. October has usually kicked my butt pretty hard.

And this year started no different, the first two weeks of October had me crawling. I was so close to just give up. To give in. To not care.

But some where along those two weeks I felt the need to just not give a f**k! I decided that shit is bad, and shit will be bad for a while. So lets just make the best out of it! And by shit it is mostly finances and my baby boys issues at school. ย But also self love. Self acceptance. Self worth. The usual shit.

And as I let it go things changed.

All of the sudden I was blessed with financial stability for the rest of the school year, I could finally just focus on my studies and kids. And as I let go of the need of fixing my baby boys issues, I just focused on him and encouraged him to make good choices EVERY day, something changed for him too! TWO huge stress factors were gone.

And in all of this I just decided that I have lost 17+- kilos and I am proud of it! My body is not perfect, and my weight is not at my goal-weight! But I am not giving up my good eating habits just because I don’t have time to exercise like I did earlier this year.

In April I decided to go plant-based, that means no meat, no diary and no oil. But it was hard!! So right now I am an vegetarian. No meat, no oil, but a tiny bit of diary. It is hard to get of the diary. I love cheese and sour cream to much! But I am scaling it down. And my goal for 2017 is to be able to live a plant base lifestyle ๐Ÿ™‚

So over the last two weeks I have given my self some elbowroom to not get sad about the exercise part, and just because of that I started November with a smile!!

It doesn’t mean that my life is full of unicorns and rainbows lol there is still those dark moments and thoughts. But I am not letting them rule my life right now! I am working hard on having control over my thoughts. And I truly believe it will bring me all the healing I need when needed. And next month is my last session at my therapist, so I feel more confident now that I see that I can bring myself out of the mess in a much healthier way than before โค


Weekend Coffee Share โ˜•๏ธ

img_0187-1If we were having coffee today it would have been out on my new porch in the beautiful sunshine with blankets and cozy pillows! It is not spring here yet, but the sunshine is amazing, and the crisp air is healing.

Today I took the kids out for a small stroll in the neighborhood. We should have done that a long time ago! It was amazing! And there was plenty of places for the kids to play, climb and run.
IBut the best part was us being outside together, chatting, playing, laughing and walking. We haven’t been so relaxed in a very long time. And when we got back home the kids wanted to stay outside and play! They stayed outside and played for three more hours and then we all had family tacos before shower and bedtime stories. A perfect end to a really really good family spring break. Tomorrow we are going back to the everyday life. I haven’t really missed it this time, I usually do….

If we were having coffee today I would tell you that this week with the kids have been so good, but this week emotionally has been so rough. I keep getting into these conversations where I have to address the though stuff. Where I need to feel it all. And process it. And finally do something about it. You know that’s not my way. Or at least it wasn’t my way a year ago. These days I am changing, have you noticed? I hadn’t. Until the conversation about friendships this week. Today when I tell you about this I see so clearly how much I have changed. And it applies to so many different parts of my life. Tomorrow I am going back into teacher training, and I am not nervous. I am actually excited and eager to get back there. And this is me 6th teacher practice, but the first I am not stressed about!

img_0488If we were having coffee today I would tell you that my yoga practice are slowly waking up. My arm is still not doing all I want it too, and I am not nearly as flexible as I was. But I am doing it. I am on my mat almost every day. Progress. And I share it again on Instagram, it motivates me to work on my poses. It motivates me to accept my body. The body movement on Instagram about every body being a yoga body is really pushing me.
Even though the skinny, beautiful girls are dominating my Instagram feed, I am slowly finding real people. People with a body in whatever size doing awesome yoga and being a real inspiration. I also follow a few on Snapchat and they are just so real!

img_0496I’m even considering to attend yoga class in my town again, but I want my practice at home to be more steady and my arm to be stronger. But a teacher at work is going there, and she encouraged me to attend, so I will do it sometime later this year.

If we were having coffee today I would tell you my eating disorder thoughts are crawling in my mind these days. ย I am staying as faithful as I can to eating 4-5 times a day. And I now feel fullness and hunger. But when I feel fullness I can’t stop myself if there is more food available. And I don’t like that. I know I need to downsize my portions, because I feel full before my plate is empty. But I don’t know how. I have been doing this size for so long that it just feels impossible. But I am eating only two slices of bread when I have bread instead of my previous four slices, so I know I can. But with dinner it just feels hard. Really hard. So now my thoughts about gaining weight instead of loosing because I can’t manage to downsize my portions have made me think about dropping food and just starve myself a bit. But, I haven’t gotten there, because I know it is wrong. But my mind is having a crazy battle these days. And I am not happy about the body I am currently living in, but now I am wondering if it will be ever possible for me to change my ways. I can’t exercise right now because I know I would push it to hard, push myself and end up not eating. What a catch 22!
If we were having coffee today I would tell you that 2016 has not turned out as I expected it to be so far, it has been two really rough months. In addition time is flying. Next month is my birthday month. I am turning 39. I am not stressed about it, I don’t identify with the number. But I guess that in some ways I am my number too, because today when I watched Yogagirl’s Snapchat from the Envision Festival in Costa Rica I realized that a festival like that is not for me anymore. I would rather take a trip to a quiet place on a beach for a yoga retreat, where I could have a hotel room or bungalow with fresh sheets and towels LOL But I do love to dance, so maybe when I get into the body my soul and mind can connect too I might feel differently ๐Ÿ˜‰ But right now I love my quiet life with teacups, books, candle lights and my internet connection, but I love the memories of sand between my toes, moonlight in my hair, drum and bass rhythms in my soul and love in my heart on a beach in Thailand โค

I love having coffee with you, it wraps up the week so nicely and sometimes good memories appear too, so many blessings! How has your week been? Did you have a more peaceful week? Or did you feel like crawling under a rock every now and then like me?

Until next time, stay safe and always remember to love yourself โค


Day 52/53 of gratitude ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป

Morning yoga! Over the last week I have been doing more yoga than I have in the last month and it feels amazing! And I’m going to keep going so I can get into a good practice again where my body and mind can really relax and feel calm.

Yoga is also a perfect tool when I’m stressed out. It helps me to focus and breathe ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป and it is also helping me to love my body!

My eating has changed so drastically, I’m feeling hunger and fullness, but I’m not loosing much weight. Instead I’m starting to enjoy my body, to push it in yoga is just wonderful and I have realized that I don’t need to be skinny to do yoga. My body is a yoga body, no matter the size as long as I keep practicing ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

The grip my eating disorder had on me for over 20 years is loosing up.. I’m not controlled by food anymore, my mind is free and healing. Food is my friend, my body is my temple. I am slowly learning to love and appreciate my temple and it feels so good. It makes me feel so blessed and grateful, I’m healthy and okay just the way I am ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

#gratefulformybody ย 

Day 50 of gratitude โ›น๐Ÿป

Morning yoga, swim class and gymnastics at work makes this a great day ๐Ÿ˜ƒ tonight I’m writing my English assignment that is due today with a smile on my face! 

In addition kids have enjoyed another day with new house rules ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป now the big test starts, the weekend and my need to rest and have some alone time ๐Ÿ™ˆ hopefully it will work out for all of us ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ’• 


Daily posts weekly photo challenge

This weeks photo challenges theme is transitionย and it brought my thoughts directly to my yoga practice. It has never been an easy ride, or a very steady practice. Because I have broken my arm, twisted my leg etc etc and all my injuries are not related to yoga, only to my clumsiness LOL!!

But I have taken a lot of pics over the past 2 1/2 years and the change, transition, is visible to me! I had many other poses where you could see the transition better, but dancer pose is my favorite! So I had to share that one ๐Ÿ™‚ And even though my right arm can’t get as high as I want it, I see that I am now able to get my leg higher in the air, and also finally manage to get the grasp on my leg from the inside!! That is a first tonight!

ย ย 

ย ย 

Day 95 of gratitude ๐Ÿ“ฟ

Thank you for your support it means a lot to me ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป I’m feeling slightly better already. I managed to reach my goal and I did some really slow yoga. My arm is trouble these days, but hopefully I can get back to physiptherapy next week ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป 

 My yoga today was a lot of breathing and just being. But it was just what I needed ๐Ÿ“ฟ 

Weekend Coffee Share โ›„๏ธโ˜•๏ธ

weekendcoffeeshareIf we were having coffee today I would tell you that I am looking forward to Christmas! And that it is a really strange feeling!ย Because only 5-6 years ago I Didn’t really like Christmas. I actually preferred to not celebrate Christmas. But I had to since I had kids. But last year something changed.

I’m not sure what changed. But I had a really great time last year. And now it’s November and I’m already getting excited about decorating, baking and celebrating!
And honestly I’m not gonna bake that much or have a lot of people over, but there’s something about the waitingย and the expectation and the decorations it just gives me a happy feeling.

And really I should dread December since I have two final exams then, but I’m not worried. I’m going to make it, just know I will.
If we were having coffee today we would most likely have it outside in a coffee shop with comfy chairs since I am needing some time out of the house lol The house is a mess and there’s laundry everywhere, so I would just be happy to have an hour outside this house right now. Maybe even two hours๐Ÿ˜‰
I would also tell you that I feel so comfortable in my teacher training right now. And I can’t really remember why I was so nervous last year! But I guess being a substitute teacherย also has help me to feel more confident. Last week the principal even observe me teaching and it went really fine! And she gave me great feedback afterwards! A year ago I would have died inside, but this year I just decided to be me and trust that I’m good enough!
If we were having coffee I would also tell you that I’m not really doing great with my diet or lifestyle changes… I eat every third hour, I even have an alarm on. But I just feel like I’m eating and eating and eating and eating! And I’m starting to lose faith in this process…. But I have promised myself to give these two full months a really honest go, so there is no option to stop eating right now. The only thing I need to focus more on is my sweet tooth.

I know that you would support me and that you believe I can do this. So I’m not giving up, but I will tell you it’s hard right now. On the other side I’m back on my yoga mat and it feels great. There’s not much I can do since I can’t use my right arm. But I’m trying and just doing what I can feels really good.

I would also tell you that I know I need to move more. And I’m thinking about starting to go for walks every now and then. But I’m so scared of the dark that I haven’t been able to try yet. I know it might sound as an excuse, because I really hate walking also!

But on the other side I’m not loving my shape physically, so maybe I just need to push myself and just walk. Because how bad can it really be? And who would take their time to attack me in the middle of the night all out on the countryside? Not that I really need to go out in the middle of the night, but it’s so freaking dark early now that it feels like the middle of the night at 6 pm ๐Ÿ™ˆ

If we were having coffee today I would ask you how you were doing? I would ask you if you’re excited about Christmas?

Day 78 of gratitude ๐Ÿ“ฟ

Yoga!! This is my third time back on my mat over the last week!! And that is progress ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป hopefully I can keep practicing with no pain in my arm, because it was super nice to get some breathing and stretching going again ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ“ฟ 

one day I will be back to normal again, but right now this brings me great joy and a deep feeling of gratitude ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป 

not only is my heart and soul healing this fall, my arm is healing pretty fast too โ˜บ๏ธ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ€ #thankful

Day 74 of gratitude ๐Ÿ“ฟ

Today I got a beautiful gift in my mail box. A man I worked with in the city just came home from India and had bought two lovely mala’s and a yoga DVD for me! I feel so blessed โค๏ธ and I miss him and all my other previous coworkers a lot, hopefully I will be able to meet them all again soon ๐Ÿ“ฟ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป